Sienna Miller Overshadows Her Boyfriend’s Band

… and his bandmates aren’t so happy about it. She’s dating Jamie Burke (a beanpole with a dirty mop on his head), who not only has a crappy band, but fine taste in women-folk. His list of conquests include such distinguished company as Courtney Love, Lindsay Lohan, and Kate Moss. He’s like the gateway to crackheadedness.

Some whiny bastard let it slip that members of his band, Bloody Social, are “getting a tad jealous that all the attention is going to the celebrity couple…. the rest of the band is upset because no one talks about them – it’s all about Jamie, and it’s all because of Sienna.”

Er, more like no one would have even heard of this bloody band if it wasn’t for Sienna. They should be kissing her nonexistent arse.

Sorcery

It’s A Dull Day In Hollywood. . .

This picture could have been torn from the pages of my eldest sister’s High School yearbook, and she graduated in the late 80s. Those cups are old-school. So are the Miami Vice sunglasses.

By the way, it’s kind of cute seeing a cro-magnon with a daiquiri! Oh, and she needs to stop trying to be Jessica Alba. Jessica Alba doesn’t even want to be Jessica Alba! Okay, I just said that because it seemed like the right thing to say, but I’m sure it’s total fiction.

Liquefied Crack

Either something or everything is odd about this picture, and I don’t believe for one hot minute that there is truly water in that bottle.

Lily Allen Just Called Herself "Fat and Ugly"?!

Lily Allen just posted the following sentiment on her MySpace blog:

“I used to pride myself on being strong-minded and not being some stupid girl obsessed with the way I look. I felt like it didn’t matter if I was a bit chubby ‘cos I’m not a model, I’m a singer. . . I’m afraid I am not strong and have fallen victim to the evil machine. I write to you in a sea of tears from my hotel bed in Seattle. I have spent the past hour researching gastric bypass surgery and laser liposuction.”

Is she having a go at us? Poor slag! I think she’s super cute. Yeah, she gained a few pounds, but so effing what? This isn’t a chubby pic, but it seemed appropriate. Whatever.

She also had the bad judgment to include Amy Winehouse in her diatribe. She said she was “shitter” than her. Um, like what the hell does that mean? If she gets all anorexic, I am totally not going to listen to her music (not that I ever have).

By the way, can someone tell TOM from MYSPACE that he needs to ban famous folk from using his site already?

Sorcery

You’re Invited To A Party!

A Christian group plans to party hard when Willy WonkEYE goes to the slammer on June 5. They will rejoice in the imprisonement of Willy by gathering at Hilton Hotels across the country to trash her lameass CD and books.

The dude orchestrating this celebration said that:

We’re going to be throwing them [her CD, books] in huge trash cans and getting them off the face of the Earth. . . The kinds of role models that have come to light recently in America are horrible role models. . . [she] is an extremely materialistic, uneducated (person who) rose to prominence because of a homemade sex video. Now we have all these young, preteen and teenage girls who really look up to her.

Dude sounds a trifle uneducated himself, though.

I’m down with it if and only if there will be effigy burning. No point in trashing her CD, though, because it’s already trash.

Sorcery

She Makes Flesh-Eating Bacteria Look Fierce!

America’s Next Top Model is a joke, but a good one. Am I lame for watching this cheese? Last week, all the girls turned on Natasha (pictured above)! When Tyra asked the four remaining finalists who had the least potential to be a good model, they all straight up said “Natasha”.

Them some rough girls! The Judges decided the other girls were haters, and so Natasha effing stayed.

She even got her dibs in when she told the judges that she didn’t even see the other chicks as competition. She said something along the lines of “If Gisele was behind me and you asked if I had any competition, I would be worried.” You may want to check the transcripts though, because I can’t paraphrase for shit.

Be sure to watch the finale this Wednesday (5/16). It’s on the CW network. I think CW stands for Compressed Weevils or something.

I am so rooting for this dummy.

Lindsay Tries To Look Demure

What do you do when everyone and their grandpappy have seen you smoking crack and you have a movie to promote? If your name is Lindsay Lohan, you whip your distressed locks up into a wispy updo and you try to class it up in a black dress with thick, white piping.

LL is a good actress. But she will never ever convince anybody that she has class.

Um, Okay!

Us Weekly actually has a feature on their blog called “The Best Brows in the Business.” Naturally, I was intrigued, so I paid that little post a visit. Gisele Bundchen was mentioned, as was my favorite crackhead, Kate Moss.

Someone named “Chin” went on the record and said:

“Kate Moss is blonde and she has very little brow [hair] too. So the ‘after’ is a little bit overly tweezed. I like the before better,” declares Chin. “I’ve always said, the fuller is always a little more natural. And the ‘after’ brows would be better if they were a bit longer.”

Um, okay!

Her teeth are sort of busted.

Sorcery: Us Weekly

Can "What Not To Wear" Broadcast A "Celebrity" Edition?

Claire Danes is in need of a stylist and a conscience. How she manages to steal boyfriends away from other women is beyond my realm of expertise. I guess she’s pretty, in a way. I used to think she was pretty on My So-Called Life. But that was like 500 years ago, and she has since stopped making the effort to work with what she got.

I’m just going to come right out and say what’s weighing on my chest: She has a very long torso. This dress makes it two times longer.

Sexy

Ricki Lake just lost a boatload of weight and even posed in a swimsuit on the cover of Us Weekly the other week, yet she went out in public wearing this. Why?

Jessica Simpson Talks To Mama Simpson About S-E-X

I apologize in advance for this post. I know that this isn’t really anything folks want to hear about on a Monday morning. But the Simpson family invents a new way to gross me out just about everyday. Jessica went on record and said she talks to her mom about banging John Mayer or something. That’s like, atrocious.

I rebuke them in the name of the Lord.

Sorcery: The National Ledger