Here’s a list of some of the more interesting Search Engine queries that directed folk to my blog (and my responses):
Kate Bosworth, TV Dinners*
Orlando Bloom how he looks today – I don’t know – Good?
How tall is Kate Middleton – Approximately 12′
Nicole Richie’s Booty — Doesn’t possess one.
Does “Paula Abdul” still sing — Hope not!
Ann Coulter swimsuit photos — I’m going to vomit.
Nip slip BET Awards — ?
Sienna Miller Street – The cleanest street in town, no doubt.
Kate Moss Arse – Doesn’t possess one, unless you count Pete Doherty.
Ass winner — !
Carmen Electra, June 24 2007 – Did she do something like ultra important on this day?
* Okay, I made up this one about Kate. The rest are bona fide search queries!
Nicky Hilton was living it up in Greece while her older and dumber sissy, Paris, was sprung from the pen. Then her momma told her to get her ass down to L.A. and act like she gave a damn.
So Nicky showed up with this HELL OF HUGE gift basket of sorts. That’s funny. It looks like something you’d give to someone at a baby shower. Paris is a baby, though , so it all makes sense.
The whole of England is abuzz over this pic of Kate Middleton. Okay, maybe not, seeing as England has more imprtant things to think about right now, but whatevs! They think she’s lost weight and looks far too skinny in this here dress.
Um, the slag was always skinny and lacking in the hips department! By the way, she just went through a break-up with Wills, and she’s under all that pressure and scrutiny because some folk think she’s no good for Prince William. And by some folk, I mean Windsor Palace. Or is it Castle? I always forget. That’ll wreak havoc with anybody’s tummy cravings.
Daniel Craig might just be hanging up his booty shorts after the next James Bond movie. Damn it! No biggie though, he’ll probably just go back to his roots and make those quiet films he used to make. Says Daniel: ”I don’t just want to make spy films and I’ve never made movies just for money either.” !
Yeah, we get it already! Anyways, the next James Bond film, which so far is just titled Bond 22 (whoa — too sexy!) is scheduled for release November 2008. Not that I care. The hell with James Bond! I just watched the shit because Daniel Craig was up in there. Just kidding.
Sorcery
Milla Jovovich is pregnant as hell and expecting a baby girl in November, yet she is already rearing her (Is you listening, Britney Spears?). She is going to take her child on a backpacking journey all over the vurld because she wants the kid to be ”fearless and appreciative” of it. Wait a minute, is this trip happening before or after naissance?
On her website she writes that: ”I want to take her all over the world and show her all the amazing places through my eyes, especially Mongolia, Peru, Nepal. Places that will give her a totally different view of reality. . . I want her to be in yoga and martial arts classes from like birth!”
Wow, Nelly! Let the bitch take a gulp of fresh air first! Just kidding. Milla also writes that she doesn’t ever want her little girl to “know what being stiff feels like! I want to take her up into the mountains in the snow, I want her to climb pyramids and love this earth, so she can help the next generation preserve it.”
That’s darling. I love her spirit. Milla is the cutest. By the way, I own that record she put out like twenty-five years ago called The Divine Comedy, and I think it totally rocks. I mean it doesn’t so much rock as rolls. Actually, I just mean that I dig it a lot. It’s good! Don’t laugh at me!
P.S. I’ll find a more appropriate pic laters. I added a pic of Milla and her baby daddy, Paul W. Anderson. Them two will get hitched once the baby arrives.
Sorcery
I’m confused. Orlando Bloom has two sisters, now? I know all about Samantha Bloom, but now there’s a bird named Susan Storm, who claims to share a father with Orly. Suzie lives in Sydney, and apparently there was a lot of hooey going on over there with her because she said Orlando was all of a sudden denying linkage with her!
She is the daughter of Harry Bloom who isn’t even Orlando’s real papa! But that’s old news. Harry raised Orlando, but really his biological daddio was a man named Colin Stone. Orlando and Suzie must have thought they were of blood relation until this little detail was revealed when he was 13.
Anyways, Suzie was telling peeps that she was fighting with Orlando over his denial of her being his sister, but now she’s changing her tune after all the frenzy her allegations spurred over there. Sayeth Suzie: ”Orlando is one of the biggest stars in the world. I have protected him all of my life. There’s no feud and there never has been.”
Um, whatever! Thanks for the mother-f-ing HEADACHE!
Sorcery
In case you were wondering why you haven’t been seeing Sienner Miller pictured with her boyfriend, Jamie Burke, I found out the reason why: He ain’t her boyfriend no mo! He dumped her ass because she went out on a date or something with Matthew Rhys (pictured with her above). He is her co-star in that frumpy-looking movie she’s making with Keira Knightley called The Edge of Love.
I write this because you care! And also to remind you to start pre-ordering your tickets for this sure-fire hit.
Sorcery
* June 30
1520 – The Spaniards are expelled from Tenochtitlan
1934 – The Night of Long Knives (aka Lindsay Lohan and Vanessa Minnillo’s party) – Adolf sHitler and his gang violently get rid of their political opponents.
1936 – Gone With The Wind is published.
1960 – Congo gains independence from Belgium.
1986 – The Supreme Court rules that states can outlaw homosexual acts between consenting adults.
1997 – Harry Potter is introduced to the world.
* [ July 1 ]
251 – The Goths kick some Roman ass at the Battle of Abrittus. Whatever!
1863 – The Civil War battle of Gettysburg begins.
1879 – Charles Taze Russell publishes his first issue of The Watchtower, one of my very favorite ‘Zines.
1960 – Independence of Somalia
1962 – Independence of Rwanda and Burundi
* It’s Daniel Craig !
(more…)
I think the only peeps who would read Pete Doherty’s book are fellow crackheads, and you know damn well they have better ways to spend their dough. Whatevs! Pete’s on a book signing tour. You can bet these will be in the bargain bin at Barnes and Noble and Border’s in three weeks flat.
I kidd. I recognize the brilliance of this man and I go to bed each night wondering what crimes I committed in a past life that are preventing me from having him all to me-self in this one.
If you’re the curious sort, the book is called The Books of Albion: The Collected Writings of Pete Doherty. It threatens to be a great beach read!
P.S. Is this what Jack the Ripper looked like? I mean with cleaner hair?
Britney Spears, I think, has lost her mind. She blames Momma Spears for her stint in rehab (not herself) and claims that her mother is an abuser of pills, and thus, unfit to be around her sons — and she should know – she is motherhood par excellence. She personally delivered what this source of mine claims to be a ”restraining order” to momma Lynne Spears’ trailer in Valencia, Ca!
Wait a minute — her momma lives in a trailer?! Oh nevermind, she was in one of those “Star Wagons.” Anyways, who the hell personally delivers papers of this nature? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose? By the way, her Momma looks stunned and pissed. Not to mention mighty EMBARRASSED. Thrown for a loop. Curdled.
I don’t feel too sorry for her, though – ain’t she sorta responsible for the toxicity that is Britney Spears? Her initials ain’t BS for nuthin!
Sorcery
Daniel Radcliff, the young gent who plays Harry Potter, is going to gross about $50 Million for the next two Harry Potter films. He just got a lot sexier, and by “a lot” I mean he’s no longer fug. Hee Hee. Just kidding. He was never fug, but you know what they say – a guy’s cuteness quotient grows with his bank account. Not that I’m a superficial and shallow troll. I’ll just shut-up.
There is some speculation that this pay raise has a lot to do with the “fact” that it may be hard for him to find acting work after playing such an iconic character, but that sounds like a bunch of hogwash. He dropped trou for that Equus play, and if push comes to shove, there will always be a market for that kind of stuff.
Sorcery
Sorry. That wasn’t funny. But seriously, Angelina Jolie is really going to start making me cry. She’s doing too much — plain and simple. There’s that old motto: “You can’t take care of others until you take care of yourself” or something like that. That shit applies here six times over!
Angelina also doesn’t want people thinking she’s just “trying to fit into skinny jeans”. The girl just lost her mother and she has like four kids (I think). Plus she has to contend with all that negative energy that is masquerading as Jennifer Aniston.
P.S. Somewheres out there are about five hundred young ladies who think she looks super perfect and would give their eye-teeth to look just like her. Sick and sad.
