Jennifer, UK

All of Hollywood is weeping because Jennifer Aniston may be moving to Jolly Old England to be closer to that ex-druggie slut boyfriend of hers, Paul Sculfor, that she ’supposedly’ broke up with a few days ago.  

Says a source who probably doesn’t know either one of them at ALL:  “Paul has been missing home and Jennifer is tired of Los Angeles so it seems only logical they give it a go.”  Yeah, logical as hell!  

This pic of Jennifer Aniston and Jake Gyllenhaal is probably a few months old.  A lot of you can’t stand Jen so I thought I’d buffer this story with a pic of Jake, because a lot of slags enjoy looking at him. 

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Perry Farrell has records to sell

Perry Farrell has Lily Allen syndrome.   I mean he talks a lot of shit for someone who’s sort of not even relevant anymore.  Anyway, he’s dissing Dave Navarro for being a judge on that Rockstar Supernova show.  Perry says that:  “Music isn’t a competition – it’s about expressing yourself. . . There are no awards at Lollapalooza; it’s just 130 different acts sharing a stage.”

Perry’s right, of course.  But that show’s like two years old!   We only hear from Perry when he has some ridiculous new band of his to promote.  The newest train wreck is called “Satellite Party” and it features him and his gorgeous *cough* wife, and some other slags whose names I forget –  I mean never knew and don’t care to ever find out.

Perry and Dave used to be in a real awesome band, Jane’s Addiction, with Stephen Perkins and Eric Avery who basically quit the band because he said that Perry Farrell was a selfish piece of self-centered shit.  Not in those exact words, though!

P.S.  Perry’s real name is Simon.  “Perry Farrell” is a distortion of the word “peripheral” just in case you give a crispy damn about such things.

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A Mighty Backlash

Fangelina’s are dropping like flies!  There are some serious Angelina Jolie haters out there, folks!   Peeps are pissed off because they feel she and Brad practically ditched America, and because they see her as a big phat phoney and some news sources like E! are anticipating some major backlash. 

The first sign they point to is the fact that A Mighty Heart was A Mighty Bomb at the box office.   “Some believe it’s only a matter of time before her innate doolalliness—in dormancy since her divorce from Billy Bob—bubbles up once again, spurring Jolie to finally let loose and create a line of jewelry encasing bits of Maddox’s DNA.”

Damn, that’s a bit harsh innit?  Anyways some awesome people described as “Jolie watchers” say that:  “The public will simply grow sick of her African photo ops and strategically selected native bandannas, and call her out as a phony, whether she is or not.  And when that happens, the media will respond with the appropriate level of backlash necessary to keep circulation decent.”

That part about keeping circulation ‘decent’ sort of makes me ill.  Anyways, what really rubs peeps the wrong way about Angelina  (according to some dude) is:  “The way she pivots between $20 million a movie and then pretending to live with the impoverished, she’s not cutting it. If she really believes in that, then build a hut and move to Africa.”

That’s a valid point, I guess!   But why do peeps care anyway?  If she’s fake, I don’t see the point in faking shit like this!   I mean,  she’s adopting kids who need some help and doing things on her own time that you won’t ever see half of Hollywood doing.  Where’s the bad?  

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She may be serving 90 – 365 days

As far as I know Nicole Richie’s DUI trial is going to be set into motion tomorrow.  It keeps changing, though!  Yestersay, her lawyers filed a motion to postpone this bullshit for the FIFTH time because they’re waiting for an expert witness to be available.  We’ll  see what goes down when it goes down, I suppose. 

Anyway, Nicole is in Canada supporting Hilary Duff’s ex-boyfriend (also her baby daddy to be) whilst the wanker is on tour up there, and that’s cool because she’s not required to appear in court or anything.  She oughtta have been required though, for no other reason than to disrupt her stupid lifestyle for a few minutes. 

If this goes to trial she could be doing some hardcore time with a baby on board and everything!  How sad for the baby, but how cool for the rest of us.   Just kidding, that’s sick!  Anyways, it’ll be just like an episode of BBC’s Bad Girls.   By the way, that was a damn good show if I do say so meself.    

UPDATE:

Looks like the trial got postponed again… for the SIXTH time.

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Hilary says Joel disrespected her.

Hilary Duff thinks Joel Madden is missing a sensitivity chip.  By the way, Jennifer Anistonn coined that awesome phrase:   She once said that Brad Pitt was missing a “sensitivity chip” because he posed in those pictures w/ Angelina Jolie for W Magazine like they was a family and stuffs when he was leaglly still married to her. 

Anyway, she was buttheart as hell when he started dating Nicole Ritchie after just three weeks of breaking up:   “With the amount of time that we had invested in each other, I felt disrespected that he moved on so quickly… But some people don’t want to deal with how they feel, so they cover it up. Rebound!  I shouldn’t say that. You know what, though? Now I don’t care.”

Ooh.  That was a mouse-sized jab!  Just kidding.   Nicole and Hilary should star in a remake of The Country Mouse and The City Mouse  because they are both around the right size for this — no make-up required.   

By the way, Hil dated this dude when she was between the ages 16-18 and he was like 25 or older!  That’s like all sorts of weird.    

Here’s Hilary rocking hard at some concert. 

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Sienner not with Diddy

Sienner Miller is not dating P. Diddy.   She just made a damn announcement about it.  Says Sienner: “I am in love with someone, but not Puff Daddy.  He’s just a good friend.  Anyway, he has a beautiful girlfriend.”  Not anymore he don’t, slag!  Not since you broke them up!   Just kidding. 

God, I hate reticent hos!  Why’d she go bring up the fact that she’s in love?  Now I’m gonna be up all hours trying to figure out who the slag is shagging.  No I’m not –  she’s in love with her supper buddy, Keira Knightley!   If that was bait, Sienner, I’m not biting.  She probably wants swarms of press trying to figure out who her new boyfriend is or something.  It’s really going to be easy, though.  Just type Hobby Horse Shagger into your browsers and his face will pop right up.

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Dita says she ain’t a freak.

Joan Crawford’s Ghost Dita Von Teese ain’t no freak.   The slag just looks like one.   She says that people have the very wrong idear in dey heads that because of what she does for a living (bathe half-nekkid in giant champagne glasses, pal around with such upstanding citizens as Marilyn Manson, and walk around like the kinky ghost of Joan Crawford), that she is a freak bitch in the bedroom.  

Dita had this to say:  “I like vanilla sex as much as the next girl.  Sometimes when I date men, they feel they have to put on a show.  I’m like: ‘Stop trying so hard to impress me with your sexual perversions.’”

I love how she affects this classy persona with  ye olde English diction and shit.  I love those erudite hos!  By the way, she has the fattest ass waist I’ve ever seen on a ghost! 

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On This Day in History: Wentworth Miller Edition

1740 — Pogrom expelling the Jews from Little Russia.

1776 – Captain James Cook begins his third voyage.

1796 — The U.S. takes possession of Detroit from Britain. 

1804 — Aaron Burr, the Vice President of the U.S. kills Alexander Hamilton in a duel. 

1859 – A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens is published.

1889 — Tijuana, Mexico is founded.

1955 — In God We Trust is added to U.S. currency.

* Wentworth Miller is really hot, and that’s all I have to say.