Wino Forever!

My pal, Daners, wants to wipe out the memory of the Winehouse post, so I’m posting this just to appease her.  This is what Winona Ryder had to say about finding the love of her life in next month’s Vogue.   Does anyone still read Vogue?  Just curious!  BTW, I agree with her, or else my ass is in troubs, too!  And Winona Ryder is super pretty.

“You know how people ask, ‘Who is the love of your life?’ God, I hope I haven’t met that person yet, in a way, because I’m single. I hope I haven’t had that, since that would be sad.”

Amy Winehouse is killing her body

Ordinarily, I stay away from pics that dissect and point out body flaws with a magnified lens, but this sweetie pie is only 23 years old!   She looks like a 59 year old woman who’s been boozing and puffing since 1972!   Amy, you need to call Herbalife or something. 

Is Hayden Christensen hot?

Whilst Lindsay Lohan was smoking crack, Rachel Bilson and her man-folk, Hayden Christensen were out doing normal folk things like shopping for food to chum.   BTW is he still hot?  Was he ever?   Who really cares anyway! 

Um, Let’s just say I’m not shocked or anything

I’m sure you’ve heard all about Lindsay Lohan getting arrested early this mawrnin’ because… she was driving under the influence and was spotted chasing some car in Santa Monica or something.  I bet you’re all on TMZ!!   I need to start going to bed earlier so I can catch some breaking news once in a while.  Anyway, once I get my head together I’ll iron over the details.  

This girl is a bloody MESS!   I knew that Calum Best break-up would push her ass over the edge!   Oops!  There I go blaming someone’s bad on somebody else again!   You get the idear!   Those extra days in Rehab suuuuure paid off!    Anyway, Linds got booked and was released and last I heard she will be arraigned in August and is presently in rehab.  

Be back in a few.  

Sienner wanted to go to boarding school

When she was a wee bitty lass, Sienner Miller once asked her mum and daddy to send her away to boarding school.  Says Sienner:  ”I was really young to make the decision, but my parents are amazing people and let me go there.  Obviously, at eight, you can’t really make a life decision, so as soon as I got there, I was terribly homesick, and it was tough.  But I stuck it out, and after a month of being miserable, I started to love it.  I had the best time there.”

Great!  You wuzz precocious!  Who the bloody hell CARES?   I just found this dumb arse story so that I’d have some sort of justification for posting these really cool pictures of Sienner pummeling a photog to death.   They’re hell of old, so don’t start freaking out because she looks different.

      

 Sorcery

Keira’s Chanel Ad

Keira Knightley is the new face of Chanel’s Coco Mademoiselle  parfum.   These pics were released last week or so and I ignored the hell out of them becauseWHO THE HELL CARES, but since there’s not much to talk about, I thought it’d be cool if I slapped them down for you.

I like them!  I am a total loyal Chanel slag, and I always will be and I was seriously sick of seeing Kate Moss’ creepy, yet beautiful face at the cosmetics counter.  I am well aware that the resolution of these pics sucks bigtime.  I think I’ve seen clearer shots of Pluto with me nekkid eye.   

Itchy and Scratchy

Jessica Bile says she could never be a model!  Says Bile (okay, Biel):  “. . . I could never be a model because you’re always standing in an awkward position and your back hurts, and you’re wearing heels lying on a rock or in the sand or something.  You’re like, ‘This is weird.  I’m uncomfortable.  I’m itching.  I need to scratch.’ “

Huh?  Does she have body lice or something?  Just kidding!   I bet Gisele doesn’t have this problem!   She’s perfect and she never itches!  Gisele is rolling her eyes right now and saying:  “What itch?  Please.  Gisele no itch!”   By the way, Jessica, is this really the only reason you couldn’t be a model?  

P.S.  I love you.  

P.P.S. No, I don’t.

Sorcery

Graham Cracker Pt. 2

Heather Graham is still talking about her strict upbringing and the fact that her family have bascially disowned her because they think she’s a floozy.  Says Heather:  ”It would be nice if I did have a good relationship with my family, and yes, part of me longs to have a mum and dad who love and accept me for who I am. But if they never do, it’s OK… I’ve learnt to take care of myself.”

They stopped talking her arse after Boogie Nights.   She also says that men expect her to be a buck wild freak in bed because of her movie roles:   “Men I meet tend to think of me as this super-sexy, wild woman, when in fact it has taken me a long time to be able to express that side of myself. . .  One ex-boyfriend was so surprised to find out that I wasn’t anything like the wild, crazy person he had expected.  I basically think that I’m a fairly nice, normal person with just a few eccentricities.”

What movie roles?   Ha Ha.  Just kidding.  We know what she means.  Anyways, blah blah blah!  She sings this jazz every four years and nobody gives a toss.  What the hell is she promoting this time anyway, because the source didn’t say.   

P.S.  I basically label every Heather Graham post “Graham Cracker“ because I’m a fan of corny titles that incorporate folks’ names and also because I am a fan of Graham Crackers themselves. 

P.P.S.  Did she pose for this picture in the bloody South Pole? 

Sorcery

Keep your fingers crossed.

Um, there are rumors that Britney Spears may be preggers again.   Sorry.

Hewlitt-Packard scares me.

Hayden Panettiere has one of those names that seems longer and more complicated than it really is.   It’s a drag, though, and I dread it, so I steer clear of posting any news about her whatsoever.   I mean she could kill a lion with her bare hands and I wouldn’t post it because I hate typing her damn name.

I decided to just call her HP for now.  Like Hewlitt-Packard.  No actually, I’ll just call her Hewlitt Packard!   Anyway, Hewlitt Packard scares me!   She’s like one of those teenagers who act like they’re 45 years old or something, and there’s really no need for it.   She’ll be 45 in due time, and what’s she gonna do then… act like she’s 17?  

BTW, does anyone understand what the hell is going on in this picture?   It sort of looks like she’s conducting a revival meeting in the Deep South.   For underage nymphs!      

Rihanna is hardcore.

Wow, those boots are deadly.  Anyways, Rihanna celebrated the fact that her stupid ass Umbrella song has reached like a singles record in the UK (and probs here in Americer, too) by having lunch in New York and going on a shopping spree at Baby Phat or something from the looks of that bag.  Just kidding.  She probably celebrated by sucker-punching an old lady in the gut.

Damn, all she needs is a Harley, and she’s good to go!  Anyways, she looks pretty in this pic, despite the fact that she looks like a member of Salt ‘N Pepa.   I think she’s ‘Salt’ right?  With Pepa’s hair or something!   She’s crossing her legs and thinking real hard about what badass thing she can do for laters.    

On This Day in History: Anderson Cooper Edition

* Anderson Cooper does a damn good job on AC 360.  I mean, that’s about all the news I watch on television.   

1567 – Bloody Mary, Queen of Scots is deposed, and replaced by her 1 yr. old son. 

1725 — John Newton is born.  He is the slag that brought us the song “Amazing Grace“.  They just did a movie about this but I don’t think it did so amazing at the Box Office.  That dude in it was HOT, though.  Don’t be surprised if he’s the History Slag for tomorows.

1823 — Slavery is abolished in Chile.

1847 – Brigham Young and his band of Mormon slags settle in Salt Lake City after 17 months of travel.   Damn!  

1895 — Robert Graves is born.   He translated a bunch of Classical texts and wrote the novel I, Claudius.  It was turned into a brazilliant Masterpiece Theater production in the 1970s and that shit is hot!   It’s like my favorite Roman series ever. 

1935 — The Dust Bowl heat wave reaches the astounding peak of 109 degrees!  Did anyone read The Grapes of Wrath?   That is an excellent book, slags.  I urge you all to read it.

2005  — Lance Armstrong wins his 7th Tour de France.   Trophy hog!