Kate | Blogsworth

Wanda found this article in some Oz publication.  Here is my annotated edition.

ONE of Hollywood’s hottest couples, Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom (Kerrbloom) is set to reignite Sydney next month when she flies in to make her debut appearance on the David Jones runway.

[Hottest or lamest?   Booyah!]

The sizzling show, Summer In The City, with a campaign shot in the steamy beaches of Rio de Janeiro, is sure to be the sexiest that the store has ever staged. And not only because Kerr’s lover will be seated front and centre.

[Oooh.   Summer In The City.   That's like, ridiculously original, David Jones.  The beaches of Rio de Janeiro are steamy?  What?  Are there Sulphur deposits in the sand?  ... Her  fake 'lover' will be front and center like an aging show pony.]    

“We’re looking at our schedules at present to see whether we can work it,” she said, speaking exclusively to Hush from their home in New York. 

[Um, I'm pretty sure Orlando is available.  His schedule is clear from last year till end-times.]

It’s obvious that the former Gunnedah gymnast is in lurve but, as for news of an engagement, she insists that she is just “taking it one day at a time”. 

[This doesn't even make any GD sense.]

The major challenge for the couple is finding the time to be together. A recent romantic getaway in Spain was upstaged when the paparazzi stole intimate shots of the semi-naked couple frolicking together in the sun.

[The paps didn't steal shit.   And I didn't see much frolicking betwixt the two of  them.  He was on the phone and she was trying desperately to get his attention by lounging around with no top on.  Didn't work.]

“We chose a boutique hotel there with just 100 rooms to keep ourselves away from those camera lenses,” Kerr insisted. “But they found us anyway. It was such an invasion of our privacy.”

[Oh they found you?  You mean they weren't ordered to be there?  Bytch you're invading my privacy every time I look up at the TV and see your stinky cabbage head gazing at me through the TV screen.]    

Bloom was, unfortunately, not able to accompany Kerr to Rio where the David Jones campaign was shot at several locations including Ipanema Beach, Copacabana Beach and Sugar Loaf Bay.

[... A fancy way of saying he couldn't be bothered with her juice-fasting dingo ass.] 

“It was just as well that he wasn’t there because I had to work so hard,” she said.

[Doh!]

“There were 30 swimsuits, 250 pieces of clothing and 20 pairs of sunglasses to shoot. But it was certainly a lot of fun, as well.”

[30 whole swimsuits?  Jeebus Criest!  That's too many.  20 pairs of sunglasses?  Good God No!  Let's all be thankful her paws didn't fall off from removing sunglasses 20 times.  Also, it's amazing she didn't develop carpal tunnel syndrome.  I won't even bring up the number of pieces of clothing she had to wear.  Don't laugh!  It must be hard for a four-legged scoundrel to put all this shit on and then take it off all over again.]

Meanwhile, the supermodel has been busily penning Treasure Yourself - her self-help tome for young women encouraging them to look after themselves especially when it comes to nutrition.  She wants to promote the idea that you don’t have to be a size zero to be beautiful.

[why don't you simply 'Treasure yourself 'by not buying this shit and also by flinging a cabbage at her head if you run into her in the street.  Or in the woods.]   

Despite the fact that she is so much in demand as a Victoria’s Secret model, Kerr is relishing the idea of doing her first show on August 5, as David Jones Fashion Ambassador.  “I think it is really exciting and I am thrilled to be part of such a wonderful show,” she said.

[Bytch has dollar signs embedded in her irises.] 

“I always love coming home to Australia.”

[That's because no other place in the world can stand your dingo ass. Also 'home to Australia?'  As opposed to ...'home to Saturn?'  Dumb ass!] 

Miranda, shut your face.  Stop talking.  Just stand there and try to look pretty.  Emphasis on the word ‘try’.

Have a good weekend, all! 

Sorcery