Run Whorelando, Run!

Are my quotidian libations to the almighty Zeus, Athena, and Aphrodite actually paying off?  People, let this be a reminder that laying out the bones for the gods is not something to discount during times of distress!  I’ve been throwing down bones since that damned awful day last Fall that Janers started posting some business about MY EPHING BOYPHRIEND (Orlando Bloom) shagging a phucking phugly dingo named Miranda Kerr aka Cabbage Patch Bytch, and lo and behold, it looks like they are well on their way to a break-up.   W000000000t, bytches!!! 

The dingo is the worst kind of hobaggery imaginable, BTW.   A liar, a fake, and a shameless hussy.  Parading my man around like he’s her bytch.  Pure and simple, she’s been taking advantage of the fact that he is going through a complete and utter depression.  He needs help.  She’s taking advantage!   She’s a loose-lipped fame hog and she found a sucker onto which she could hook her dingo clutches into.  And all you Miranda Kerr supporters can eph off!  Your idol is a heathen, okay?  She’s not smart, she’s ungrateful, and she’s not smart!  Go buy a clue and stop buying her BS. 

Back to the (possible) break-up! Wanda, Jaded, Poor Orlando, and the hot slags at the Delphi cabbage forum have alerted me to the best article of all time!  In Touch Magazine has proclaimed that the animal/human union of Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr has went bust.   It’s not even worth quoting, so I’m not gonna quote.  But I will say she has been spotted swapping mouth juice with Brandon Davis.  Swell!  I don’t care about how gross he is, either.  If this psychotic avaricious baby-faced dingo slut wants to make sessual jollies with a nasty pervert, that’s her own damned business.  Bytch is out of my hair at this point.

By the way, I am simply celebrating the fact that this article exists.  That is all.  It’s kind of too good to be true, me thinks!  For all I know, the evil dingo has spread this shit to keep her stupid name active in the google search engine up until that silly fashion show of hers takes place.  I shan’t be surprised if I wake up tomorrow morning and they are holding hands in the middle of Hollywood Boulevard wearing promise rings and shiz.  Naked.

We’ll see what happens!

P.S.  Wanda just reminded me that this possible break-up was the direct result of her 24-hour Hunger Strike. 

* Former sessy lurker, Ana, has just informed me that the Australian equivalent of CNN is reporting that this fake ass relationship is a dead as disco!  Thank you, Ana!  That’s good news!  Until I get official word from his peoples, though, I have to assume they are still making stick fires. So Operation Save Whorelando is still in effect, slag faces!   Once I get the word that this mess is the real deal, Operation Make Orly Shaggable  Again will commence.

** Why am I not jumping all over the couch Tom Cruise-style right now?  Shouldn’t I be happy?  I need proof!  Orlando Bloom, get your dumb ass over to this blog and say something!  I love youououou, Whorelando!!!!1 

 

Happy Birthday, Morgies!

What do you get the girl who already owns every picture of Robert Pattinson?   A picture of Cola Gorda quietly playing pool with a dead sexy wristband on even though we’ve all already seen it 50 times!  Morgan, I really did try to find hot pics of Robert Pattinson.  But the real hot ones I found wouldn’t download or copy and I’m all sorts of majorly pissed about that.  

 Anyhooooo, it’s Morgan’s birthday today, peoples!   In case you didn’t know, Morgan is a devout Cola Gordian, a Cougar in training (see Robert Pattinson), a music lover, and one of the kindest, cutest, and lovliest chicks in the world.  I’d rattle off a list of all the wonderfully sweet things Morgan has done for me and others but I don’t want to embarrass her so I won’t do that.  But I will wish her the happiest birthday ever because she totes deserves it.

Love ya, Morgies!  Happpyyyyy Birrrthday!