Who The Eph Kerrs?
Approximately ten seconds after In Touch Weekly announced the probable split of Mirandiingo Kerr and my boyfriend, Orlando Bloom, Miranda’s mothuh and brothuh issued a statement to some Australian whores saying that they were “frustrated and upset” to find break-up rumors splashed across the whole wide world. To the best of my recollection, this rumor started pretty late in the evening last night, so these tools must be googling their dingo darling around the clock.
Mirandingo’s lil bro says that his dumb ass sister never snogged the Brandon Davis at a New York nightclub. He knows this because he was glued to her side the whole entire evening. Bytch please! You know your ass slipped off to pee at least twice, and those were the times the dingo and the greasy walrus joined lips.
Mirandingo’s mum says that she’s protective of her dingo baby and that she is all sorts of disappointed in the “false report”. Says Dingo Mum: “I realise there is an interest in people who are in the spotlight, but I just can’t believe how far from the truth it gets. Miranda and Orlando have never been closer and are happier right now more so than ever. He’s meeting her in Paris next week.”
Yeah, he’s meeting her in Paris next week to punch her in the mouth for all the stupid shit that’s come out of it the past few months!
This is the best break-up denial ever, by the way. I say this because it’s soo embarrassingly lame ass. Seriously? I’ve never heard of someone’s mother coming to their defense over a damn break-up story. It’s like her life depends on this fake reIationship. Also, I thought Mirandingo loved to talk to the press! Why isn’t she saying anything (coyly of course, because that’s the only way she knows how to talk to The Press. Or at all! She probably orders her dingo food in the restaurant ‘coyly’ and then smiles up at the waiter with those seductive animal eyeballs of hers.
Why isn’t her publicist saying anything? Why isn’t Orlando’s? Orlando never says anything. Why don’t you EVER speak, Orlando? Dingo got your tongue?
Sorcery via Jaded
This time, not so funny, in fact, kind of depressing. I can imagine what Orly is going through…
A. Jumping for joy that he is free at last, free at last, hallelujah, he’s free at last!
B. Hiding in his closet waiting for all this totally embarrassing and humiliating press to just end and wondering why he pissed his entire career away.
C. Packing his clothes to join his cousin in the Artic because the Space Shuttle isn’t taking off anytime soon and that’s as far away from Mirandingo as he can get right now.
D. Laughing it up with Mirandho on the phone that this is the funniest gag they’ve ever pulled on the stupid fans who pay their salaries with our hard earned money.
Hmmmm…. I’ll take “A” for $100, no make that 100 British Sterling Pounds (worth much more).
Whatever will tomorrow bring?
Poor Orlando
July 17, 2008 at 6:00 PM
Don’t be depressed, Poor Orlando!!
I think it’s actually B.
Anners Scribonia
July 17, 2008 at 6:09 PM
I love how the mother just let it “accidently slip” that they’re going to be in Paris next week. You know she’s just begging for paps to be there.
This has dingo stench all over it.
Cait
July 17, 2008 at 6:25 PM
ahghshjksjkdl!!!1 Cait said ‘dingo stench’! hahaha. Seriously, the Paris thing was unnecessary.
Anners Scribonia
July 17, 2008 at 6:28 PM
You’d better keep a civil tounge in your head ladies or my mom’s gonna kick your ass.
Wanda Rizzuto
July 17, 2008 at 6:58 PM
Ermmmm, Anna, what did you and the other pantydroppers offer the Greasy Bear to get him to de-rail the showmance???
SadieJo
July 17, 2008 at 11:51 PM
SadieJo, I promised him Heidi clones.
Jaded
July 18, 2008 at 1:09 AM
Are they at a funeral or Ascot? Srsly, someone explain that hat to me please.
Kellers
July 18, 2008 at 9:23 PM
They’re at the races.
Janers
July 18, 2008 at 11:05 PM
I know I always joke about the VS models being men, but the dingo seriously looks like a bloke in that pic. A bloke wearing makeup. The hat is hideous, the makeup is awful and she fair dinkum looks like a bloke. The hair pulled back so severely doesn’t do her any favours either. I keep on looking for an adams apple. It has to be there somewhere.
I know that this comment has absolutely nothing to do with the post, but I just had to say it. I couldn’t hold it in any longer.
joders
July 19, 2008 at 12:32 AM
Hi Joders! Yeah, that is not the head of a woman. I think you should write a break-up saga, BTW. You know, about what’s going on between Mirandingo, Mama Dingo, Brother Dingo, and Whorelando.
Anners Scribonia
July 19, 2008 at 12:35 AM
I must say I’m feeling strangely empty since I finished penning my first Whorely saga. I was toying with the idea of bringing the dingo back to life and having her kidnap my GodTwins.
I guess I could give the break up saga a go. I have a very vague idea forming in my beady little brain….
joders
July 19, 2008 at 12:49 AM
Yay!!!!!!!
Anners Scribonia
July 19, 2008 at 1:18 AM
I am still fascinated by the crash and burn of this relationship. It’s like slowing down and rubber-necking a car wreck. I have to see all the gory details. Here’s a highlight from today’s favorite news/blog report from beanstalkd.com on the demise of KerrBloom:
“…Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr was spotted getting a “Greasy Bear Special” at NYC clubs 1Oak and The Beatrice Inn this week from none other than Mischa Barton’s ex, Brandon Davis. We say this in earnest: How does he do it? Did the Aussie tramp choose the sweaty scamp over the eco-champ?
Yea, right. Going from Orlando Bloom to “Greasy Bear” says a lot about one’s character. Clearly, she was dumped. It’s not surprising that she’d waste her pretty on Mr. Firecrotch.”
Totally cracked and re re just like I like it.
http://www.beanstockd.com/beanstockd/2008/07/19/with-orlando-bloom-out-miranda-kerr-rebounds-to-brandon-davis/1068
SadieJo
July 19, 2008 at 4:16 PM
This is exciting! I am at the edge of my seat waiting to see what happens next.
Hi girls
I am the worst blogger now that the husband has been home. I need to catch up with everyone.
I miss you guys.
Ali-ers
July 19, 2008 at 7:21 PM