hey now, nekkid mozzers…

back in the day when he used to tear his shirts off at concerts i used to swoon and my heart would skip a couple beats.

these days mozzers has more of a tendency to make me giggle. i know there are still many of us that love the man so i had to post this. after the jump (since i’m pretty sure not everyone wants to see mozzers in that much detail) is the inner sleeve artwork for his new single “i’m throwing my arms around paris”. it features 7″ vinyl records covering the goods of moz and his bandmates. tee hee.

the new album “years of refusal” is coming out feb 17th and i for one am very excited to see him play at coachella this year (if you haven’t seen the line up it’s AMAZING! click here for it).

also, for your viewing pleasure, here is the video for the single (he is fully clothed in this):

The Hobby Horse Got Her Hairs ‘Did

Keirers chopped some bangs into her head and it looks pretty hot.   She got papped leaving a restaurant in Paris (I guess that means she EATS?!) and rather than throwing sour faces at the cameras, she threw some delicate and vaguely sensual ones.

Maybe we have to thank her boss, the human gargoyle (aka Karl Lagerfeld), for this attitude-shift?  Because he was there (I just thought I’d be nice and leave his gross head out of the pictures), and he probably ordered her to look happy and sexy or else he’d have to slap her with his fan.

 

Whorelando Is Working

He’s playing a rocker dude in a movie called Sympathy For the Dingo Delicious.   He looks fierce and sexual; two very, very good things.  ‘Tis a shame he also looks quite gross, like a member of Danzig or something.  Danzig has always scared me.  

Maybe he’ll bite the head off a dingo. 

 

Phat

If your first thought upon seeing this picture of Jessucka Simpson is “Whoa, she’s chunky!”, you need help.   You should have asked yourself  what the phuckity-phuck-phuck  she was wearing?  

Because what she is wearing is hideous.

That said,  Jessucka has been getting flack for appearing more zaftig than usual, which is stupid.  I won’t even bother with the nonsense that her little and annoying sister said in her defense because it’s DUMB.      

The bottom line is that there is nothing wrong with Jessica’s body, but there is something wrong with her brain. 

N.B.  Phat = Pretty Hot and Tempting

 

Distraught

Keirerss got papped on a rainy day in London and she took to texting some whorebag about it.  Me guesses she texted her bosom hobby horse buddy, Sienners.  

Here’s a very probable transcript of their texting session:

Keirers:   I’m so bummed!

Sienners:  You’re always bummed!

Keirers:  Yes, but I’m being chased by a… real dickhead pap!   Ahh!!

Sienners:   Ooh, did you say ‘dick’?     

Sorry.   Hey, why does she have a cell phone anyway because last time I checked, she said that she hate hated those motherephing things.  Didn’t she once throw one in the mighty Ocean because she was sick and tired of slutmonkeys calling her? 

By the way, I recently saw The Duchess.  A friend of my sister brought it over,  and it was pretty damn good. 

Also, her boots iz cool.

 

Cabbage Patch Bytch

For the uninitiated, Miranda Kerr aka the Gunnedah Hobag aka the dingo aka the bytch who is shagging my boyphriend,  looks like a Cabbage Patch Doll:  She has a frightfully large cranium, dimples,  and she’s all sorts of phugly.   Who was the phirst person to notice this?  Show yourself!  You need prizes.   At the very least, we should all go down to our nearest Victoria’s Secret and roll a cabbage through the door with a picture of her stapled to it in your honor.   I’m down with that!  We should coordinate a day. 

I don’t even see why it should be that hard, especially at an indoor mall.  The doors  are already open, anyway.  Just carry the cabbage in a purposefully distressed plastic bag and let that shit break. 

Anyway, I do this only because she’s a really mean person mammal.   She may look unassuming underneath those dead eyes and ignorant smile, but you best believe she’s vicious.  It’s not enough that she gets paid to stand around and look stupid (and she does look stoooopid!) and also gets paid to bang Whorelando’s crotch bump every six weeks;  she also has to get paid compliments by nameless, faceless slags in the  Whorelando Bloom Fandumb or else.  

She is a predatory animal that has been known to cruise the web and pick fights and harrass messboarders who don’t write encomiums to her.

Choke on it, dingo.

 

Hotness

Michelle Obama looked all sort of pretty last night.  So did Barry.  

 

She Has A Room In Her House… Where She Paints

Are your eyes ready to start rolling?   Good!  Paris Hilton would like us all to know that she’s actually an artist.   She has been quietly exploring her creative talents and told some stupid magazine that:  “I have a room in my house where I paint. I’ve been offered an exhibition, which I might do next year.”

I’m sure her paintings involve smearing oil-based compounds onto her chesties and heaving them against a large board of canvas draped on the wall.

Art for art’s sake.

Paris also says she’s really a shy little thing and that she acts wetodded, nasty, and profligate only when the cameras are rolling:   “I’m a lot more serious and shy and if I’m not out, having to be, you know, ‘on’, I’m at home just chilling and wearing sweat pants.”  

She’s lying. 

Sorcery

 

The Razzie Awards Have Been Announced

I am fairly certain that absolutely nobody cares about who was nominated for a GD Razzie Award.   I just like to keep abreast of people who are being recognized for their appalling lack of talent.

By the way, why is Jessucka Alba even still allowed to call herself an actress?   If I couldn’t do my job, I’d be fired.    

For what it’s worth, here go some of the nominess.   I only even bothered linking this shit because after a while, it was sort of intriguing.   I also thought it would be a good idea to admonish all of you people  or spending your hard-earned dollars on this trash!   Stop watching shitty movies and go build up your classic film collections or at least stay home and watch Turner Classic Movies or something.

Worst Picture:   

1. Disaster Movie and  Meet The Spartans
2. The Happening
3. The Hottie and The Nottie
4. In The Name of The King:  A Dungeon Siege Tale
5. The Love Guru

Worst Actor:

1. Larry the Cable Guy:  WITLESS PROTECTION
2. Eddie Murphy:  MEET DAVE
3. Mike Myers:  THE LOVE GURU
4. Al Pacino:  88 MINUTES and RIGHTEOUS KILL
5. Mark Wahlberg:  THE HAPPENING and MAX PAYNE

Worst Actress:

1. Jessica Alba:   THE EYE and THE LOVE GURU
2. The Cast of THE WOMEN:  (Annette Bening, Eva Mendes, Debra Messing, Jada Pinkett-Smith
   and Meg Ryan) (Hahahahaa!)
3. Cameron Diaz:  WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS (Bad movies?)
4. Paris Hilton:  THE HOTTIE AND THE NOTTIE (Why even bother listing this spazz?)
5. Kate Hudson:  FOOLS’ GOLD and MY BEST FRIEND’S GIRL (But let’s go ahead and add “Bride Wars” to this, hey?

Worst Supporting Actor:

1. Uwe Boll (as Himself):  Uwe Boll’s POSTAL
2. Pierce Brosnan:  MAMMA MIA!
3. Ben Kingsley:  THE LOVE GURU, WAR, INC. and THE WACKNESS
4. Burt Reynolds:  DEAL and IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE
5. Verne Troyer:  THE LOVE GURU and Uwe Boll’s POSTAL  

Worst Supporting Actress:

1. Carmen Electra:  DISASTER MOVIE and MEET THE SPARTANS
2. Paris Hilton: REPO: THE GENETIC OPERA (What?)
3. Kim Kardashian: DISASTER MOVIE
4. Jenny McCarthy:  WITLESS PROTECTION
5. Leelee Sobieski:  88 MINUTES and IN THE NAME OF THE KING

 For all the rest, go here.

 

Guess The Slag

Live Blogging The Inauguration…

7:51ish

So I’m watching CNN.   Washington DC looks cooold.  At least it looks sunny today.   The first thing I saw was Arnold Swarzeneger’s head on the screen, though.    Ew.   I may have spelled his name wrong, but I don’t care.  He’s my Governor, by the way.  How tragic is that?  Seems the Terminator can’t control our budget.  I also  saw Ted Kennedy.   God bless Ted Kennedey!  I saw John Kerry too;  He’s sort of an elegant-looking man, really. 

Obama and Bush just left the white house (I thikn that was the white house?) and as soon as the people waiting nearby saw Obama theystarted cheering.   That was cute!  I’d cheer too, if I was there.

CNN just said that they weren’t taking any commercial breaks until after Obama speakes (which happens in about an hour).   That’s all sorts of hot.

Why am I jittery and nervous?   I’m hungry and cold and I had three hours of sleep last night.

8:03

The Supreme Court bytches are headed to the ceremony as I type.   Get ephed, Clarence Thomas!

8:08

CNN is showing live footage if you can’t get to a TV.   This is supposedly going to be the ‘most-watched’ event in the history of television.

Go HERE .   Or just got to http://cnn.com if that link doesn’t work.

8:11

Why is Dan Quayle allowed at this event?

Oooh, it’s  Al Gore (and Tipper)!

The Internets are really slow this morning, I may have to stop this.

8:24

Yeah, I’m out until after the ceremony.  This is getting awkward.

Sasha and Malia just came out. though.  Gorgeous little girls!

Bye

 

I wish I was in DC right nowz.

8:16

Billary!!!!

That crowd at the Mall looooks huge.

8:18

They’re blaring trumpets right now.   Jimmy Carter and his wife are being announced.   I’m guessing they’re going to announce all the past presdents now (who are still with us).

This is the first inauguration I ever watched.

Yes.

During Barack Obama’s victory speech on November 4th 2008, he said something to the effect of:  “I was never the likeliest candidate for this office.”  To me that says a lot about the America that (hopefully) we’re leaving behind.   That a brilliant, hardworking, capable, and conscientious person such as Obama would ever be considered an ‘unlikely candidate’ is staggeringly gross.   That said, I don’t suffer from the delusion that members of the opposition like to imply that us Obama-supporters have.  I don’t think he’s ‘the Messiah’.  But I do think he’s the right man for this very nuanced and difficult position (that has been treated both like a joke and an entitlement the past eight years). 

You know what gets me more upset than the lameness of George Wetodd Bush?  That people voted for his ass.  Twice!   I hold these people every bit as accountable as I hold W and his cabinet for the disaster they’ve made of this world.   I didn’t even want to get into Bush (because he boils my blood and today is supposed to be a celebration), but  I couldn’t help it.  He’ll go down in history as our Nero.   As for Dick Cheney, I’ll just say that  he lived up to his first name.

The whole election (especially from the point of the RNC) got on my damned nerves, but mostly the part that ridiculed Obama’s message of Hope.  Hope is no joke, my friends (yes, I had to slap McCain one last time)!   A while ago I had a philosphy professor who once suggested that we stop asking ourselves this question:  ”Why do I exist?” and start asking ourselves this one:  “Why is it that I haven’t killed myself?”   

I think he was just getting at the fact that life was not perfect (in fact, far from it), but that we all must carry some vestige of hope in our souls that things would improve.  That life was worth living  so long as the idea of hope remained in one’s heart.

It’s nice that our new president has a soul and a heart.  

In a few short hours, Obama will be sworn (in as the 44th President of the United States.   That’s huge.      

A few years ago my older sister taught at a private elementary school  in Oakland.  The kids (who were primarily black) were learning about the presidents, and one of them, as they looked up at all of the portraits of the past and current presidents, asked her why it was that there were no brown presidents up their on the wall.    

An uncomfortable question, no?   I think it’s wonderful that questions of this sort won’t have to be asked anymore.   At the time, however,  I have  to admit that I suspected questions of this nature would be around forever.

This is not to make a racial matter tidy or simple, because it isn’t.  This country didn’t magically become some utopia overnight on November 4th and it won’t happen today either.  But for a segment of the population that  has been sort of conditioned to feel “less than”, this is a pretty powerful day. 

My grandmother (who sadly died last year)  was routinely subjected to bogus tests to see if she was ‘fit’ for voting.  My parents grew up in New Orleans in the 1960s and my father was usually called those usual words. 

There was one notable occasion where he and his cousin went to a restaurant for lunch and were told by the staff that they couldn’t eat there because that particular establishment ”didn’t serve ‘niggers’.”   “That’s fine,” said my dad’s cousin.  “Because we don’t eat them.”

I always thought that was funny.  Tragic and funny.

Whatever.   Today America, for all intents and purposes, changes a little bit.   It must suck to be one of those people who didn’t play a part in this, but could have. 

I meant to do a post when the proceedings started, but I sort of couldn’t sleep and felt like writing.  It’s an historic day, yo!    Pardon my emotions and all that;  I babble too much when my heart-strings are being pulled.   So I’m signing off for now (will be back later when festivities start).