Be Still, My Beating Heart

Whorelando Bloom just needs to phuck off at this point::  Ben Barnes is a much hotter British Boy.  He’s also “legitimately” tall,  intelligent, and as far as I know, doesn’t own a dingo-tinged oui oui.   

Here are some random pictures of Ben Barnes courtesy of the hot girls at the Ben Barnes Forum.  I totally filched these from them, but I don’t think they’ll mind.   The pictures are here for no phucking reason other than the fact that I saw them and they did things to my nervous system.   But perhaps people like Wanda, who haven’t yet been spellbound by Prince Lesbian’s beauty, will finally see what’s what.

 

 

Hobby Horse News

Sienner Miller is in that new G.I. Joe movie that is probably not going to bomb when it’s released, even though it should.   Thus, she’s on the media circuit as of late, and she is saying cool things.   One of the cool things she is saying pertains to the action-figure effigy they made of her character, the Great Hobby Horse Bandit.  

In plain English, Sienner feels that her action-figure doesn’t freaking look like her.   Her exact words were that the damned thing is “cross-eyed and has the biggest chin you have ever seen.”  In other words, it looks just like Jennifer AnusChin. 

Sienner should shut her gob and be happy with that fact, though.  Because if the doll actually looked like her, it would very much resemble a miniature hobby horse complete with a giant, wobbly head and a prescription for valtrex.

Sorcery

 

 

Hey Jude

Oh bugger this.   The future father of my unborn child, Jude Law,  is in the process of becoming the daddy of some slag’s child.   Whatever.  The Daily Mail says that  “Jude Law can confirm that, following a relationship last year, he has been advised that he is to be the father of a child due in the fall of this year.  Mr. Law is no longer in a relationship with the individual concerned but he intends to be a fully supportive part of the child’s life.   This is an entirely private matter and no other statements will be made.”

The abbreviated version of all of that elegant mumbo-jumbo uttered above by Jude Law’s publicity team is this:   Someone found out that Jude Law impreggered some woman, and threatened to pull a John Edwards on him; this person and the woman he impreggered are prob one and the same.  He prob hates her and wishes she’d never become aquainted with his oui oui station.  But she did, and she’s having his baby, and he’s going to do the right thing or something.

Phuck the lot of them. 

Sorcery

Holy Ssshit: The Picture of Dorian Gray

A dear, sweet child named Kim sent me this link to Prince Lesbian’s new film, The Picture of Dorian Gray.   Phuckity-phuck-phuck!   When does this shiz come out?  And who are all those bytches crawling all over my man?!   And why is half his face decaying in some of these shots?  I don’t have time for that shit.   Princess Caspian needs to be 100% disgustingly beautiful in each and every frame 100% of the time.

Who are his parents?   They need to be given bushels of gold for having secs that one time and blessing the world with this hot creature.   OMG, what if they decided to just go to bed that one night and not do love stuff?  Did they know what was going to happen?   Did the gods command it, or were they acting of their own free will?  That is the philosophical question that will trouble the minds of philosophers and fangirls for the next 5 years!   Well done, bytches.

Mischa Barton Is “In Very Bad Shape”

… and no, the words encased in the above quotation marks do not come from the WRETCHED and DEPRAVED postings of that crazy child who runs The Skinny Website.    We are talking mental health shape here, and this shiz is not phunny.

Mischa Barton’s career is in the crapper or something; but that is no reason for her (or anyone) to search out the warm, sensual embrace of illegal drugs and death.    A source told the New York Post that Mischa is “running out of money and can’t find love, so now she is looking for a good time [reportedly via crack/cocaine] to escape her misery.  She is on a downward spiral.   She is a mess.   She is a suicidal, uninsurable mess.”

Mischa recently missed the premier of her Homecoming on Thursday because she is being evaluated by people schooled in such matters.   It’s sort of not optional for her.  ”Tis unfortunate. 

Pax tecum, Mischers.

Sorcery

Bozzers Is Going To Work Next Month

 

Next month, Dearest slag Kate Bozzers, will be in Louisiana philming a movie with one of the guys from True Blood named Alexander Skarsgard.  As I do not watch that show, I have no idea who Alexander Skarsgard is, nor do I care.   The philm is a remake and refashioning of a 70s charmer called film called Straw Dogs.

Here’s Bozzers exiting some event at the Hollywood Bowl last week.   Her friend’s jumper is right out of the 80s; that doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing. 

 

Whorelando Bloom Was Robbed

Jowls and Scowls.

… and no, it wasn’t me. 

People whose job it is to fight crime aka the police, are reporting that  “$500,000 in jewelry, cash and artwork” was stolen from Whorelando Bloom’s special black house in the Hollywood Hills on Wednesday.

Phuckery squared, yo!

Even though my heart no longer does happy dances at the mere mention of Whorelando’s name, this is still crappy business.   At least he can always milk his Victoria’s Secret cow for more spending money, though!  For most of the people in this world, in this economy, a robbery of this magnitude would lead them to the world of trick-turning for rent money and so on.   In this regard, he’s lucky, and this isn’t even news. 

The whores at TMZ said that someone entered Whorely’s house through a window.   That automatically saves the dingo from suspicion of high crimes.  However, ff they had said that someone entered the house through the doggie door, she’d be my number one suspect.  

Even though the dingowhore aka Miranda Kerr supposedly lives with the dude, the break-in was discovered by a relative of his. 

Interesting.  

Yes, the dingo was at the ESPY awards, peddling her slithery, stupid and awkward ass whilst the home she shares with her lover her lover’s home was being violated by very bad people who “were clearly familiar with the secluded home.”

As for that phantom engagement ring, let’s pretend that was part of the purloined booty.   That’ll make it neat and tidy when the Lord of the Engagement Ring  is asked why she’s not wearing it.  Instead of admitting that “it duzznt eggzist”, she can just say that “it wuz stowlin.”

P.S.  Cough *Kate Bosworth was in town on that night* Cough.

P.P.S. Just kidding, Kate Bosworth!  You know that I love you and stuff. 

Sorcery

Dingo Lit

The following episode took place at a restaurant in Los Angeles over the weekend.  

Orlando Bloom, 32, an aging film star, and Mirandingo Kerr, 29 ?!  13?! 7?!, his failed Supamodel girlfriend enter the establishment.   The staff ignores them for a full minute.   It’s uncomfortable for the dingo, who can’t stand to not be recognized.

Dingo:  Eye wahnt tew leave this restorunt, Whorelando.   They arrint showing us any ruspekt.

Whorleando:   I’ll take care of this.  

He snaps his fingers to get their attention, but no sound happens from the motion.   He tries it again to no avail.  

Dingo:  What the hail’z rong with yer finguhs?   Why cant they make them snap-sounds?

Whorelando:  Oh phuck.   The doctor said this might happen.

Dingo:  What doctuh?

Whorelando:  The doctor who sliced open my arms and inserted those hot silicon muscles, dipshit.  He said I might lose strength in weird ways. 

Dingo:   That wuzzn’t no doctuh.  That wuz a plasstick surjun.   Let me handul this.