When did Orlando get so hideous and dead in the eyeballs? I fear for him, I fear for his future. What’s going to happen to his career now that he’s losing his looks?! It’s not like he can act or anything. I just don’t see great work ever emanating from his bones. He can’t even act like he’s in love with his girlfriend! Maybe he does love her. But there is a distinct and pungent lack of warmth and affection in the bulk of their pictures. Something’s phucking wrong, okeys?!
Do you want to know how I know this?
It all goes back to Kate Bosworth. Orly and Kate actually looked like they were on the same page. Their smiles made sense. Their was some solidarity there. The only time I ever thought something looked all sorts of wrong with them was at the premiere of Superman Returns. She was wearing that strange white dress, he had his arms draped around her and he looked like he wanted to phucking die.
Lo and behold, they were broken up within a matter of months. For Good.
Back to the dingo. I do tend to get mean-spirited with his DINGO, but I think I’m all through being mean-spirited about her. If Whorelando wants to dip his chips in that mess, that’s his business. I don’t even kerr (haha) if he marries the dingo. So much the worse for him. I also don’t think she’s doing anything necessarily vile by shagging him, either. If I was a dingo with shit for brains and in possesion of a skeleton tailor-made for Victoria’s Phucking Secret, I’d take a cruise on that ship, too. I mean I can’t get angry with her for simply being born, can I? The dingo just so happened to latch onto Orlando’s frozen star and the dingo won’t get off. It’s far too lucrative and fun for her.
He, on the other hand, is in a serious phucking crisis and it’s ravaging his looks. Bytch is sad. Don’t you people realize this? That Orlando Bloom is sad and coming apart at the phucking seams? Look at his eyes. They are puddles of sorrow. He’s phucking a wild animal and he’s tempting fate by driving dangerous motorbikes. If this isn’t a cry for help, I don’t know what the hell is.
So out of respect for Orlando and his crisis, I will refrain from picking apart his ugly dingo girlfirend. The man has lost his mojo and all sense of hope. Say a prayer for him! If this genuinely fake ass relationship with Mirandingo is keeping his wretched arse alive, I am going to welcome her with open arms.
Okay, I’m lying. Bytch blows.
^ Tension in the hands. Tension in the hands.
^ He’s not in love… not in love…