An Open Letter To Whorelando Bloom

Greetings, lover!

Do you see this beautiful thing I’ve posted here?  It’s Ben Barnes!  He knows better than to sass me by shagging cabbage patch kids! And he’s probably going to replace your arse as the supreme oui oui on this blog should you continue to fauxmance the dingo!  Seriously I have neither the time nor inclination to keep waving the red flags against the enormities of your fake girlfriend.  At a certain point you have to be willing to help yourself, dude.

You’re being USED.  There, I said it!  I know it’s irrational and immature, but I seriously hate that vapid bytch-face!  The dingo has no redeeming qualities.  She’s an ace slutcracker, okay?

Should pap shots of you and the dingo crop up in Paris (like her retarded mommy alluded to) or God forbid, Oz (where you will be trussed up like a turkey on Thanksgiving day at hobag’s fashion show), you best understand that I won’t be tolerating this mess any longer.

It’s so sad, really.  I’m worried about you, Orly!  You’ve lost your mojo and your soul!  Take a year off, take a course in English Lit or just mingle with people who don’t take their clothes off for a living.

BTW, it’s really hard breaking up with a dude you’ve never even met.

Okay, that’s all from me.

*cough*Ben Barnes is Hot*cough* 

P.S.  Joders is writing a story about your (hopefully) impending break-up.  It’s super hilarious!  You don’t deserve us!  You just don’t!  Here’s part 1 and here’s part 2.

Remember this phace, Mr. Bloom!

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25 thoughts on “An Open Letter To Whorelando Bloom

  1. joders

    Dearest Whorelando

    Anners has warned you. Now I am warning you too. My inner cougar is straining on her chains at the very thought of Benji. Pap shots of you and the moron dingHo in Paris and / or my very own Oz, will cause me to unleash the cougar on poor, unsuspecting Ben. Do you want to be responsible for him being ravished to within an inch of his life? (Be quiet Ben, I don’t care what you want.)

    So why don’t you consider this plan (since you appear incapable of formulating any proper plans of your own)? Let the wide eyed cabbage patch kid come to Oz by herself. You’ll be bored out of your brain (provided you have one) watching the vapid little slutcake parade up and down a catwalk in clothes that are suitable only for an underweight praying mantis.

    Then you can head off to Paris to commune (or whatever one does) with the Dalai Lama like the good Buddhist boy that you are. Oh, and if you are dumb enough to take that soul sucking retard to Paris with you, don’t think that I’ll be dancing with joy to see cheesy happy snaps of the two of you under the Eiffel Tower.

    You have been warned. It’s up to you now.

    Joders

    PS Can you hurry the phuck up and break up with the dingo already? I’m trying to write my story in real time and you’re taking too epphing long.

    PPS You really don’t deserve us.

    Like

  2. Dear Orlando,

    Me too bitch. I cheated on you with Rain once and I’d do it again in a heartbeat. He’s a younger, hotter more Asian version of you and he can dance too. Plus I think he has more money. Oh yeah, and he’s worked this year.

    Go ahead. Go to Paris. Go to Oz, see what happens.

    And by the way, let me find out you shagged the dingo after she shagged Greasy Bear. Then it’s really over, no way is that oui oui getting anywhere near me.

    Like

  3. Orlando

    Dear girls,

    Plz don’t leave me – u know ur career is really in the toilet when the stalkers start to leave.

    If I didn’t date the dingo no one would take my picture anymore or write crap in the tabloids about me – What would u girls do with all ur free time then?

    Like

  4. joders

    Um, hello? I don’t think that any of us would be above starring in a sex tape with you. Look at all the press Verne Troyer is getting.

    And if you ask nicely all of us might star with you at once, if you get my meaning.

    Like

  5. Dear Orlando,

    What is it going to take to get this through that thick skull of yours? You can’t keep stringing us along like this. We’re human beings, you bastard, with feelings! While you’re out boffing a dingo (or allegedly boffing a dingo) we’re all stuck here, helplessly watching your professional life and credibility wasting away, along with your soul, as Anners so eloquently pointed out.

    We’re your girls, Orlando, and we’re getting very impatient. Many of us have cheated, THAT’S RIGHT, *many* of us. It’s just too hard, watching you wasting your life with that hairy, cabbage-faced mongrel. Anners has found solace in the arms of Ben (as have a few other ladies, undoubtedly). Wanda, as she said, took up with that charming singer, or actor, or whatever he is. I myself have probably been the least faithful, running around with Ryan, Grady, and even your mate Eric Bana. So there!

    We don’t want to cheat on you, love, but you’re leaving us with no choice. Don’t you see that?

    I hope you come to your senses. Don’t go to Paris, or Australia. Wake up man, and see what that little tart is doing to you!! If you do end up prancing around France with the dingo, or carrying her purse at her fashion show in Oz, be prepared for the backlash. We won’t take this anymore, Orlando. We WON’T.

    Absolutely no love,

    Cait

    Like

  6. Poor Orlando

    Note to Orly:

    Even tho’ I go by the moniker of “Poor Orlando,” I am not you, nor am I a man. It is just my homage to your sad state of affairs. You need to know from me, as well, that when I saw those big brown intense eyes of Mr. Barnes staring down at me as Prince Caspian from a billboard on the 101 freeway in No. Cal., I just about crashed my car! Suddenly, for a moment in time, thoughts of you in a pirate bandana disappeared from my head. Now my brain is fighting with itself constantly… Pirate Orlando Bloom or Knight in Shining Armor Ben Barnes. I can tell you who’s winning and it’s not because he’s younger.

    I like a man, like you, with some miles on him, one who has lived life and can appreciate a woman for her redeeming qualities. However, I can see now that you may be incapable of this due to your choice in shag buddies because there is nothing redeeming in that “re-re” model who just won’t go away. As with your other lovely fans above, if Paris and Oz happen, I’m afraid it will be over between you and me, too. I cannot wait another year for “The Red Circle” to open just to see if the magic is still there. I will have moved on to watching beautiful Ben’s new movie, “Easy Virtue,” which opens up in a couple of months, and eagerly anticipating his next one “Dorian Gray,” which you would have been PERFECT for by the way. So sad. By then, Mr. Barnes will have completely dominated all my thoughts and you will be a fond, but sad, memory of what could have been.

    Please, go back to work! Is the only acting job you can get the one with the Dingo? Is this just practice so you don’t forget your craft? Orlando, go back to acting school because you’re not convincing anyone and we have tired of it.

    Thank you, Ms. Scribonia, for allowing me the opportunity to communicate directly with Mr. Bloom. I only pray it works. And, thank God for Ben Barnes. Maybe Orlando had to go so Ben could come into our lives. Funny how life works that way sometimes. This is still a sad time, though.

    Note to Ben: Take heed! DO NOT SCREW THIS UP! Good luck.

    Like

  7. SadieJo

    Dearest Orlando,

    Knock, knock, is anybody friggin home in there anymore? Please, don’t be such an idiot re re. Listen to the girls. It’s not their fault they’ve had to resort to this extreme form of literary abuse but you’ve driven them to it.

    You’ve changed so much but they’ve stood by you as that skanky dingho dragged you by the oui oui thru NYC, Venice Beach, Oz, London and Spain. You could hear their collective hearts breaking and blood pressures rising with each published declaration of you being relegated to nothing more than that panty model’s handbag, boi-toy, dingo whipped, doormat.

    Come on, Whorely, I’m begging here, grow a new pair and engage your brains. Don’t go to Paris, don’t step one toe in Oz, just say NO NO NO. It’s time. You know it and we know it, too. Dump the dingho and come back to the light. If you are too weak to break her slaggy spell, just give us a sign and your bloggies will ride to the rescue. Trust me, they’ve got a plan.

    With lurve and some affection, your last remaining fan,

    Sadie Jo

    PS: Orli – don’t lose these women to that pansy-assed wannabe Bennie boy. That’s just gross.

    PPS: I watched Kingdom of Heaven again. Damn you for being worth all this angst.

    Like

  8. SadieJo yuou sat through Kingdom of Heaven again?! You really are a fan! I barely made it through that the first time.

    See Orlando? It’s not just me! Wanda called you a bitch, by the way. I think you should dump her after you dump the dingo.

    How nice of Janers to pop up as Orlando!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Vy

    Dear Orlando,

    Please break up with the Dingo already and get back to doing what you do best–standing in front of a camera and looking pretty (some would call it acting; I’m still on the fence). You don’t deserve all of us here but we would still willingly take you back if you snap out of your senses soon and regain your waning hotness. If not, I will not be held accountable for my actions should you find me in the arms of the above-pictured Ben Barnes (remember his face well and fear it).

    And I even said please.

    Vy

    Like

  10. Jaded

    Orlando, just a side note: Ben does nothing for me and Bale is married, so if these ladies move on, you’ll still have me. Never forget who removed your curse! And with tongues too! (My hubby doesn’t have to know.)

    :P

    Like

  11. Orlando

    Dear girls,

    I understand you wanting to switch to Ben – I wouldn’t mind a piece myself but I have contractual agreements u see so don’t be hard on me.

    Like

  12. I will support Anners on this just because she´s a nice girl who deserves better, not because I like Orlando at all, still.. GET YOUR DAMN ASSS BACK TO THE RIGHT PLACE WHORELANDO! OR YOU WILL BE THE NEXT ONE TO BE SLAPPED AFTER I HAVE JOHANSSON! DID YOU HEAR ME?!

    Thank you, have a nice day…

    Like

  13. SadieJo

    Did it work? DID IT WORK??? Whorely was photographed on July 18th in dingo-free Nepal, not Paris. And he’s wearing a North Face jacket and sporting a buzz cut too! Pic on Olove.

    Is it safe to say we won this round in the battle to free OB?

    Like

  14. SadieJo! I just saw that pic like ten minutes ago. I don’t know what to do with it, though. Did boyfriend really shave his hairs off? He’s in Nepal without the dingo…? Plz, God! Let it be that he has kicked her arse to the curb!

    * Thank you for having my back, Zu! :)

    * Orlando, did you hear that? Vy even said ‘please’!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. jane121

    Yeah I’m the only one re-re enough to do these types of things.

    I can’t handle this fur stuff. It’s really ephed up.

    Like

  16. Jaded

    Oh, post the new picture, the new one! I wanna see you girls share thoughts on his jeans. You’ll forget BB in a minute. New post! Put it in a new post! Pretty please?

    Like

  17. Haven’t you heard of having fun M? What a boring little life you must have. You must reeeeeally wish you didn’t waste 10 seconds posting your comment. I know I reeeeeally wish you hadn’t wasted your time.

    Like

  18. Dame Daners Isadora Would Like To Make Daniel Craig Her Bitch

    I love those that come to complain about how silly it all is and how a certain post shouldn’t even exist because it is ridiculous ( <—see what I did there? You’re welcome) blah blah blah. Yet, they waste their precious time commenting about how stupid it all is! Ah, irony.

    Liked by 1 person

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