Whorelando Bloom Was Robbed

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Jowls and Scowls.

… and no, it wasn’t me.

People whose job it is to fight crime aka the police, are reporting that  “$500,000 in jewelry, cash and artwork” was stolen from Whorelando Bloom’s special black house in the Hollywood Hills on Wednesday.

Phuckery squared, yo!

Even though my heart no longer does happy dances at the mere mention of Whorely’s name, this is still crappy business.

The slags at TMZ said that someone entered Whorely’s house through a window which automatically saves the dingo from suspicion of high crimes.  However, if they had said that someone entered the house through the doggie door, she’d be the  number-one suspect.

Yes, the dingo was at the ESPY awards, peddling her slithery, stupid and awkward rump whilst the home she shares with her lover her lover’s home was being violated by very bad people who “were clearly familiar with the secluded home.”

As for that phantom engagement ring, let’s pretend that was part of the purloined booty.   That’ll make it neat and tidy when the Lord of the Engagement Ring  is asked why she’s not wearing it.  Instead of admitting that “it duzznt igzist”, she can just say that “it wuz stowlin.”

P.S.  Cough *Kate Bosworth was in town on that night* Cough.


Sorcery

Author: Maya Culpa

Science project.

22 thoughts on “Whorelando Bloom Was Robbed”

  1. Anners, are you suggesting that the dingHo does NOT live with her luvvah? I’m shocked! Next you’ll be saying he doesn’t live with her when they’re in New York, he simply turns up outside her apartment complex after spending the night in a nice hotel, just to have his picture taken by the the ruthless paparazzi who hang out 24 hours a day hoping for a glimpse of the fameHous and stunning VS soupermoddil.

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  2. LOL at her choosing (and thus totally destroying) a Calvin Klein dress for the award show… Bozzers probably shot the ad for it… yes, she wants to be Kate sooo badly … EPIC FAIL. Again.

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  3. I actually am putting Dingho on my suspects list. Since it wasn’t a typical burglary it could be an inside job.

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  6. Joders what madness are you talking about and I thought Anners was the one with all the crazy ideas.

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  7. Yeah, the dingho is even trying to lighten her hair these days. anners, please continue to call out this bytch, she’s not fooling anyone! Damn Kate Wannabe!

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  8. “peddling her slithery, stupid and awkward ass”

    what a GREAT phrase….

    and the dingho SO wants to be KB – maybe she thinks we’ll all like her if she becomes enough of a look a like and move towards shipping her and whorelando!

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  9. One day I hope that Kerr learns that she can’t keep stealing other peoples words and looks to make herself appear better than she is. It’t just not going to work. I guess being herself really is nasty.

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  10. Poor Whorely, the break in sucks. He’s lost some of his most precious posessions.

    Hope the robbers didn’t get their hands on OB and MK’s matching pajama sets. Or their beloved Karaoke collection of Fever, or that fug-ugly lace purse, or OB’s toe slippers, or her new Flexaway double chin exerciser, or, (horrors!) Orli’s suspender pants. Nooooo. Not the pants.

    Home robbery sucks.

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  11. Kerr give it up! You aint gonna be a supahmudil! I know your motto is try and try until you succeed, but biyatch, haven’t you already figured out…. no one(except for some shippers)wants you!

    No designers want you
    No cosmetics companies want you
    No fashion magazines want you
    And Anna Wintour certainly doesn’t like you

    Give it up CPK

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  20. Would love love love it if a tape really did exist and it was as poorly made as the rest of their showmance. Please, whorlanduh bring on the laughs.

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