The Dingo Play: ACT TWO

[Actually, I added a bit to ACT I, first.  So here goes the added lines to ACT I, and then the whole of Act II.  Sorry in advance if it sucketh… and sorry for the myriad typos…]   

ACT ONE:

Scene XI:   The London headquarters of Victoria’s Secret, Inc.  A female executive is on her back fighting to defend herself from a rabid animal.  The rabid animal is Miranda Kerr.  Miranda is  wearing a super-long black knit dress and a cropped brown leather jacket.  Her hair is in a bun.    She has a strangle-hold on the female executive’s neck. 

The woman begs to be freed.

Female Executive:
Please, Miranda.   You’re going to k-k-ill m-m-ee.

Miranda:
And yerr going to k-k-ill m-my kuhrear!   Y wuznt I inn the
laitest Vikthoariuh’s Seacrit cummershull? 

Female Executive:
We gave you that shitty gig at The Grove this afternoon in compensation.  It’s not my phault you’re so unphotogenic!

Miranda:
Whut did yoo cawl me?

The female executive:
Unphotogenic!  You looked bad on camera,
okay?  No one gives a rat’s ass about you!
If that fact is worth killing me over, then so be it. 

Miranda:
It is.  It so is!

In her fury, oil from Miranda’s slippery skin falls into the female executive’s eye.

CONTINUE READING

 

The female executive SHRIEKS.

Miranda attempts to smother her by covering the woman’s head with the material from the long black skirt she is wearing.  

Miranda:
And everybodee thinx I’m duhmurr
and stuff becuz I ware long dressis!
I smuthuh peeplw with theez frox. 

ENTER Hermes.

Hermes:
Stop in the name of all that is ethical
and proper in the world!

Miranda looks over her shoulder and gives Hermes the stink eye.

Miranda:
This iz a pryvit meeting.   So, git the hail owt.

She goes back to choking the poor woman.

Hermes flies across the room and yanks a clump of Miranda’s hair in his effort to pull her away from the woman.  Her face contorts in pain as a track falls out of her head.  Miranda lets go of the folds of her dress that she is using to smother the woman. 

The woman crawls away from her, gasping for air. 

Miranda charges toward Hermes on all fours.

Hermes:
Down, bytch!

The woman executive crawls to her massive oak desk. 

Everytime the dingo tries to bite Hermes,  he flutters to another spot in the room.

Miranda gets up on her feet.

Miranda:
Fourget this.  I’m leeving.

Hermes:
Not so fast. 

He grabs the Miranda by her arm.  

Miranda:
Git yerr handz offuh me.

Hermes:
You’ve been hereby ordered to stand trial
for your crimes against humanity and the
Orlando Bloom fandom today. 
You’re coming with me.

Miranda:
Whut?!  But that’s knot fayer! 
Plus, todays my ownlee day off four
the nekzt six munths. It’s not rite that I shood
spind my day off in cort.

Hermes:
Tell it to the judge. 

Female Executive:  She’s lying.  She is not off today.  She is required to appear at the Victoria’s Secret store at the Grove today from 2-3pm.                                                                                            

Miranda:
Can I at least send my mothuh a tegst messige so she wont wurry abowt me winn I downt sho up at my stupid gig?

Hermes:
Okay.  But hurry.

The female executive by now has reached her desk and began sketching Hermes’ ensemble:  It would be a killer look on the catwalk next November…

Miranda walks over to the female executive’s desk.  The woman cowers.   Miranda shoves her off the chair, sending both the woman and her sketch of Hermes to the floor.  

Miranda sits down and picks up her mobile phone from off the top of the desk.  She lifts it up and exposes her wallpaper photo of Orlando Boom holding a doggie for Hermes to see.  Then she starts to send a message to one of her fake twitter accounts.   She types:   JUST SAW SUPERMODEL MIRANDA KERR AT THE AIRPORT.  SHE IS SO NICE.   STUNNING.-”   

Miranda:
Wairz this tryall taking place?

Hermes:
Athens.

Miranda finisihes typing:   “… ON HER WAY TO ATHINS.  I SAW ORLANDO–”

Hermes walks over and yanks her from the chair.  Her mobile phone falls to the floor.

Miranda:
But I’m knot finnished!

Hermes:
Yes, you are.

He shakes his cadueus and the two of them pixelate briefly before they disappear.

SCENE XII:  Teddy’s Nightclub in Hollywood.   Orlando Bloom is seated in the rear of the club and a busty blonde is sitting next to him, fingering his three whiskers. 

Orlando:
You’re such a breath of fresh air.

Busty Blonde:
Where’s your girlfriend?

Orlando:
‘Where’s my girlfrieind?’  Ha Hahahahahah!
You mean, Sidi?

Busty Blonde:
Let’s go to my apartment.

Orlando:
Sure.

They get up.

ENTER Hermes.

Orlando looks up at him, curiously.

Hermes:
Are you Orlando Bloom?

Orlando:
Sort of.

Hermes:
You’ve been ordered to stand trial today for crimes against your own fandom
and for baring your strange ass in Gran Canaria. 

Orlando flushes all over. 

Orlando:
Good God!  Are you sure?

Hermes:
Quite.

Orlando:
Well… phuck.

Hermes takes his arm and wraps it awkwardly and painfully around Orlando’s neck.  Then they entwine fingers.  Hermes starts to shake his caduceus, but the busty blonde halts him.

Busty Blonde (to Orlando):
Hey, what the hell is this? 
Are you leaving with me or leaving with him?

Hermes:
He’s leaving with me. 

He shakes his caduceus and he and Orlando Bloom pixelate briefly before disappearing.

END of Act I. 

ACT II

The Entire act takes place at an open-air court on the Acropolis.    

ENTER a Chorus of Shippers.

Chorus of Shippers:
Oh, baleful world that we exist in.
Is this what the gods ordained when they
emerged out of chaos and created mankind? 
That the stunnnnnning supermodel
of Gunnedah should be called into
question for anything…ever? 
We should all strive to be
so perfect.  So empty.  So pure. 
So dead in the eyeballs.

All that she ever did was make the world more
beautiful. 

And as for Orlando.  For surely the gods
on Mt. Olympus must turn away in shame
for the proceedings that are happening
before our very eyes.  Orlando has done
nothing.  And by ‘nothing’, we literally mean ‘nothing’.
Nothing whatsoever.  No work. 
He is being prosecuted for loving motorcycles,
and for having low self-esteem.
That’s the reasoning of the Whorely Trinitas, isn’t it?
That he could only date someone like Miranda if he
hated himself?

EXEUNT The Chorus of Shippers.

The Trial is just about ready to begin. 

A good crowd has showed up.  On one side sit The Whorely Trinitas, and all else on the prosecuting side.  On the other side sit the supporters of the defendants.  On the lawn in the rear of the court, are people on blankets with portable fans.    

ENTER Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom led by a guard.  Their feet are shackled.  She is grinning like an idiot.  Because that is what she is. 

Orlando, on the other hand, looks vaguely sick, ashamed, and rather like he would like to disappear.   You would think this was any other staged pap shot rather than a day in court.

The guards instruct Miranda and Orlando to sit at a stone table and bench situated in the middle of the court.

Off to the side are is a row 12 empty seats.   They will soon be filled by a jury of the defendants’ peers.

ENTER the 12 jury of the defendants’ peers.  There are 4 Sears Catalogue models, 1 dingo,  Heidi and Spencer, Corey Feldman, Brandon Routh, Paul Walker, and two random dudes wearing motorcycle helmets.

They all take their seats. 

ENTER the goddess, Athena:

Athena:
Herald, make proclamation and hold those in the host
assembled.  Let the stabbing voice of the Etruscan
trumpet, blown to the full with mortal wind, crash
out its high call to all the assembled populace.  For
in the filling of this judicial ground it is best for all
the city to be silent and learn. . . So too, these
litigants, that their case be fairly tried. 

  (The herald sounds the trumpet.)

ENTER the god, Apollo.

Apollo:

This trial shall now begin.  First, the
prosecutors shall assemble, plea their
case, and return to their seats.

After this, the witnesses for the defendants
shall utter their mutterings.  Then the
defendants shall speak in defense of
themselves.

A recess will then be called for an hour and all
here assembled shall return.  I will read the verdict
of the jury, justice shall be carried out, and the
Etruscan trumpet shall be sounded once again,
thus signaling the conclusion of the trial and the
return to quotidian life for the city of Athens.

All of the prosecutors and their witnesses line up single file to the right of
the stage.  

APOLLO:
Please speak.

The Whorely Trinitas:
We hereby charge Miranda as being a famewhore.
You, yourselves, saw the foul grin spread
wide across her face as she entered this
court.  She loves the attention.
Her famewhoring has extended to
calling the paparazzi whenever Orlando Bloom
can stand to be around her, making
unnecessary appearances at motorcycle shops,
and leaking bold and irresponsible lies to
assorted  journalists.

Miranda jumps up from her seat.

Miranda:
Objeckshun! Where’s your prufe?!

Apollo:
Sit down.  Now.

Miranda sits down.

Joders:
May I approach thee, Apollo?

Apollo:
Yes.

Joders walks up to Apollo and hands him a Flash drive. 

Joders:
We have assembled various proofs for the court.

Apollo plugs it into some object hidden from the stage.   Suddenly, a giant screen is lowered  the court.  He fiddles with the remote control for a moment.  All that is seen is a blank screen with muffled sound.

Apollo:
(muttering)
I hate technology. 

ENTER the god, Hephaestus.  He limps over to Apollo and the audio-visual machine.  He touches it, and all is well.

EXIT Hephaestus.

A grainy X17online paparazzi video of Miranda at the Ducati Motorcycle Shop in Los Angeles.  Miranda walks awkwardly across the screen with her hands in her pockets.  She looks mildly irritated, mildly clubfooted, and mildly wetodded.  

The Whorely Trinitas:
Exhibit A:  The infamous Ducati video.
Why was she even there? 
Orlando was already in the car.

Apollo clicks a button on his remote and series of pictures come up.  They are of Miranda and Orlando engaged in PDA at a glass shop in Italy.  The last image is of Miranda pinching Orlando’s booty.

The Whorely Trinitas:
Exhibit B:  The Moretti Ass Shop.
More staged photos.
 
Miranda STANDS up again.

Miranda:
Okay, enuff awlreddy!

She returns to her seat.

The Whorley Trinitas:
Please go on with the visuals, Apollo.

New pictures appear on the screen.   They are of Miranda and Orlando having fully-clothed secks on a hotel balcony in Oz.

LAUGHTER rises in the court.

Apollo turns off the  video.

Apollo:
I can’t stomach any more of this. 
I beseech thee to get on with thy case.

The Whorely Trinitas:
We also hereby accuse Miranda of lying about
various things. First, she has called herself a
supermodel.   She so is not.  She also
called herself a ‘health nut’.  She is a nut,
fair Apollo, but not a healthy one.  We fear she hasn’t
eaten a true human meal in about eight months.

Next, let’s get into the gossip leakage.
The latest is that he’s proposed to her
twice already.  On top of that, he’s too clingy
and also has a wandering eye.  If Orlando is
engaged to marry the dingo, have him speak
now and admit this shameful thing. 

Orlando says nothing.

A VOICE from the crowd shouts:
He is NOT engaged!

Apollo:
Who said that?  Show yourself!

Robin, Orlando’s PR person stands up.

Robin:
I said it. 

Apollo:
Return to your seat, please.

Robin sits.   STEPHEN DORFF kisses her.

The Whorely Trinitas:
Then there are the abuses propagated by
the dingo at Gran Canaria in Spain.  She invited
the paparazzi to capture Orlando’s naked arse
on film.  Apollo, please go to the next slide.

Apollo clicks a button.  On the screen appears a photograph of Orlando with his back turned to the camera, with a mobile phone close to his ear.  He has dropped his towel and his arse is clearly visible to all and sundry.  

The crowd GROANS in horror.

The Whorely Trinitas:
Notice how she’s signaling to the paparazzi,
dear Apollo.

Apollo ZOOMS in to the dingo in the background.  Sure enough, the dingo is doing some weird gesturing in the shadows.

Apollo:
Is there anything else you would like to speak
against Miranda and Orlando?

The Whorely Trinitas:
We shall further support our claim that
she is no supermodel.  First of all, no
avant-garde designers know who the phuck she
is.  Also… she can’t dress to save her life. 
Apollo, please move onto the next slide.

Apollo does as he is told. 

On the screen appears no less than five pictures of the dingo carrying a large, lace white and lack shoulder bag, and about 20 thumbnails of the dingo wearing glossy, nude pumps.

Apollo shields his eyes. 

Apollo: 
Zeus, Almighty.  That’s awful.

Miranda:
Hey! Thoze awbjecks werr eggzpensieve.

Apollo:
Money doesn’t buy taste.

Miranda:
Yew say that becuzz yerr juzt a
fat jailus heighter, Apollo.

Apollo:
You dare disrespect the gods?

Miranda:
Sorry!  Fourget I juzt sed thart. I don’t wahnt to
dye.

The Whorely Trinitas:
Miranda is also an internet troll.  She claims to
never ever google herself. That’s simply
because she doesn’t know how to google herself.  She has
Pooh Stain do it for her.

Miranda stands up.

Miranda:
Objeckshun!  That is simplee knot troo. 
I do know how to google myself.  I  juzt
don’t hav thyme to google myself rite now.  
I’m too bizzee fur that. 
I wurk everee single day of my liphe.
In fact, that’s the title of the negzt book I am paying
sum simpull ho to rite fur me:  “Google Yerselph”.  

Miranda takes her seat.

The Whorely Trinitas:
She also maybe has 10 or 12 fake twitter accounts
that she uses to report fake sightings.   We will
say nothing of her piecemeal transformation
into Kate Bosworth.   That is all we have to say about Miranda.

Orlando, however, we shall charge with two years
of unmitigated phuckery.  We understand that
Hollywood is a strange business.  But selling
yourself out for a little publicity by dating (a wild animal)
the lamest Victoria’s Secret model is not the answer. 
It may get your house broken into, though.  Just saying’.

The Whorely Trinitas exit the platform and return to their seats. 

ENTER Megan Gale and the David Jones executives. 
Megan Gale is still wearing a tiara.  Her shoes are gold. 

Apollo:
Please speak.

David Jones Executives:
Miranda was untrue with us.  When we did
our research to on wikipedia to determine
whether or not she would be a good fit with our
demographic, we later found out that most of
the information on her page had been
tampered with.

Miranda stands up.

Miranda:
Anybodee can edit a wikerpedier page!
I can’t be blaimed fur that!

David Jones Executives:
All right, we’ll concede that.  That doesn’t change
the fact that you… suck.

Apollo:
Speak to me, not Miranda.

David Jones Executives:
That doesn’t change the fact that she sucks.

Apollo:
Are you thus finished?

Megan Gale:
I’d like to say that I was supposed to be getting
some time off as a result of her contract.  I’ve never
worked harder in my life, though.  It’s very annoying.   
 
Apollo:
Are you thus finished?

The David Jones Executives talk amongst themselves.   Megan Gale hands the chart illustrating their loss of business since the dingo was signed to Apollo.  He hands it to the jury of Miranda and Orlando’s peers. 

David Jones Executives:
One more thing:   She once told Jonathan Ross
that John Mark Karr was a “brilliant designer.”   That is all.   

Apollo:
Isn’t that the man who claimed to killed
Jon Benet Ramsay?

Orlando Bloom STANDS up.

Orlando:
Yes. 

Orlando SHUDDERS at the memory, and returns to his seat.

Apollo:
Thus ends the prosecution’s case against
Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom.
 
ENTER HERMES and Kate Bosworth.

Hermes:
Wait!   One more.

Kate Bosworth:
Ooh, looks like we just made it!

Apollo:
Thus, speak.

Kate:
Where’s the dingo?

Apollo points to Miranda and Orlando on the other side of the court.

Kate starts to giggle. 

Orlando stands up.

Orlando:
Hi, Katers!   God, I’ve missed you.

Kate Bosworth:
Orlando?  Is that really you?  I didn’t recognize
you without your Pirate’s of the Caribbean costume on.

Orlando looks sad.

Apollo:
This is a court of law, not phacebook.  Thus, speak.

Kate Bosworth:
Sorry.  Look, I just came to say that I’d
appreciate it if the dingo would stop
trying to be me.   It’s very annoying.

Miranda:
I’m talluh than yoo and hawtter than yoo. 
Yerr juzt jailuss.

Kate Bosworth:
Um, no. I’m not. 

Miranda:
Um, yes, yoo are.  And Orlando’s shagging
me so yerr even more jailuss.

Kate Bosworth:
Um, I used to shag him when he was actually hot. 
Also, I peed on his foot once.

Apollo:
Talk to me, not each other.

Kate Bosworth:
That’s all I came to say.  I came as a
good Samaritan, actually.  The dingo
is embarrassing herself by trying to look
like me.  Hello!, you actually have to have a
good face and two-different colored eyeballs
to pull off my hair and wardrobe choices. 

EXIT Kate Bosworth

Hermes approaches.

Hermes:
I know us gods should not place ourselves in
the midst of human concerns, but may I speak?

Apollo:
Yes.  You’re a god.  You can do anything
you want.

Hermes:
When I came to fetch Miranda this morning,
she was in the midst of smothering an
executive at Victoria’s Secret with the folds
of her dress.

Apollo turns to Miranda:
Is this true?

Miranda:
No!  Whut?  Where’s yurr prufe?

Hermes:
Shall I go fetch the woman?

Apollo and Miranda in unison:
No. 

EXIT Hermes.

ENTER Artemis:
Since Hermes was allowed to speak, I also would
like to say something.  I am the goddess of the
hunt and the goddess of all the creatures in the
land.  The dingo is a hypocrite.   She claims to    
care about koala’s.  She even chained herself to a
tree, naked, in support of them. 

If she is so concerned about the welfare of the
koala bears, why does she persist in devouring them
for breakfast, lunch, and dinner? I saw the carnage
for myself last time I was in Oz.      

EXIT Artemis.

Apollo:
Thus ends the prosecution.  

ENTER the Chorus of Shippers.

The Chorus of Shippers:
Oh, unhappy day when the lies and jealousies
of the fat, jealous haters are encouraged by the
divine gods.

EXEUNT The Chorus of Shippers.

Apollo:
The defendants witnesses shall now approach.

The witnesses of the defendants line up.

ENTER Number 1 Fan.  She gets on her knees and starts to cry.

Apollo:
Tears should wait until judgments are rendered. 
Thus, speak.

Number 1 Fan:
Miranda is beautiful person.  Why hate?  Why
not bask in glory of  beauty? 
Don’t even get me started about Orlando.
Have you ever seen a better man than
Orlando?  I’m his best and greatest fan.

Apollo:
What does any of that have to with the
charges leveled against either of them?

Number 1 Fan:
What does anything have to do with
anything?  ;)

Apollo:
What?

Number 1 Fan:
This trial.  It’s all false.  :)
(Number 1 Fan laughs)
He’s a pretty man and she’s a pretty girl
and the sun is out and I love to create.

Apollo:
My head… hurts. 
  
Number 1 Fan looks over and sees Orlando sitting there.  She sprints over and tries to throw herself on him.  He SCREAMS.  

The guard pulls number one fan away from him.

Apollo:
(sternly) 
Take her away.

Number 1 Fan is carried offstage by two guards.

ENTER Airy and MePad in their straight-jackets. 

Airy:
(looks toward the prosecutors)
Look at all the sad, pathetic haters on that
side of the court. 

MePad:
(rolls eyes)
Lol!  Miranda and Orlando are together,
you sad cows!  Lol!  Look — they’re together
right now!  Hurts, doesn’t it?   Sad bytches!  lol!

Apollo:
You’re here to speak on behalf of the
defendants,  not to make inane comments to each other.
Miranda SINKS low in her seat and covers her face.  As does Orlando.

Her mother, TERREAZE, stands up, shaking with anger.

Terreaze:
No way in hail!  I won’t have any
mentully distuhbed people speaking
on behalf of my dotter.  

The guards carry off Airy and MePad who roll their eyes and “laugh out loud” as they are carried off. 

The guards return, spot Pooh Stain approaching the platform, and carry him off too.

TERREAZE rises again, even more furious.

Terreaze:
Whut are yoo doing to my sun?!

Guards:
I thought you didn’t want any mentally disturbed
people speaking on behalf of your daughter?

Terreaze:
He can stay.  He’s her very own brothuh!

They let go of Pooh Stain.  

Apollo:
Thus, speak.

Pooh Stain:
This is all unfayer.  This is all abowt
jealussy.   Theze freeks have bin picking on
my sistuh for six years.   Uhnonymuss freeks
on the internetz hoo nevuh even met
her.  Shez surch a great person too.  If
they ownlee noo randuh, maybee they’d
leaf her alown.

It’s that Whorely Trinytoss over thair who
are the wurst of the wurst.  All they wont is
Orlandow furr themselvz.  Itz the ownlee
reason y they hayte her.

Apollo:
I thought you said people have been
doing this to her for six years?  Has she even
dated Orlando that long?

Pooh Stain:
…No.

Apollo:
Then surely she is disliked for other reasons
that don’t concern Orlando…

Pooh Stain:
Yoo downt have to gut all teknikull.  Yoo know whut
I ment.

Apollo:
Do you have more to say?

Pooh Stain:
Nah.   

Exit Pooh Stain.   He returns to his seat.

ENTER Xavier Roberts holding a Cabbage Patch Kid doll.

Apollo:
Thus, speak.

Xavier Roberts holds up the Cabbage Patch Doll to all and sundry.

Xavier Roberts:
How, I ask, can anyone find it in their hearts
to hate something that looks like this?

Apollo:
Do you have more to say?

Xavier Roberts:
Yes.  But I forgot what it was.  Am I even alive,
or did I die years ago?

Apollo:
I don’t know. 

Xavier Roberts:
Well, good-bye. 

EXIT Xavier Roberts. 

Enter Carlii Lyin’.  

Apollo:
Thus, speak.

Carlii Lyin’:
This is obviously bull.  I just came here,
basically, to tell Anners Scribonia, Wanda
Rizzuto, and Joders to go to hell.  Real cute drawing
trickles of blood coming from Miranda’s mouth
on your blog posts as if she’s some wild animal
that just had a feast…. 

And don’t even get me started with that
video Wanda posted of Miranda… I mean a dingo… howling on a
piano.

Joders, you’re racist against your own people
by referring to the Australian Miranda as a
‘dingo’.  Shame all over you.

Oh, and Miranda is not a liar.  She does
not leak falsehoods to the press.  That’s my job.
Strike that…. I did not just say that.

This is bull.  All of the girls on the other
side of this court have Tall Poppy
Syndrome.  Do you know what that
means?  It means that Miranda is the
tallest, most loveliest poppy in a field
full of fat, jealous hater poppies.  The
fat jealous hater poppies obviously are
just what I said they are:  Fat, jealous, and
haters. 

Apollo:
Have you spoken all you need to speak?

Carlii:
Yes, I suppose so.

Exit Carlii.

ENTER TERREAZE.

Apollo:
Thus, speak.

TERREAZE:
I co-sign all that Carlii juzt sed. Litturally.
We post the same crap on the Whorely
Trinytoss’ blawgs.

Exit Terreaze.
 
ENTER ROBIN.  

Apollo:
Thus, speak.

Robin:
I am a good friend of Orlando’s.  I can’t
defend his actions of the past two years.
All I can say is that, deep down, there
is a person inside there.  That person is
just lost.   As someone who has been close to him, I
can tell you that I am hopeful that there
will be some eventual redemption for
these actions on his part.

There has been a marked change in
him ever since the dingo entered his life. 
Depression?  Yes, maybe.  Yes, totally.

I feel it would be most unfair to punish him
whilst he is at a crossroads.   That is all I dare
to speak before the just and powerful Apollo.

EXIT Robin.

Apollo:
Miranda and Orlando, please rise and
make your way to the middle of the court.

Miranda and Orlando rise and slowly walk to the center of the court with their feet still shackled. 

Vy, who had been sitting quietly on lawn, gets up CHARGES the stage.  She SHOVES the dingo, who falls to her knees. 

Vy:
That dingo took my baby!

Miranda:
Owch!  My neez!  I’m tyerrd of being in
thiz posishun.

Vy then wraps her arms around Orlando and kisses his cheek.

The dingo gets up and tries to pull Vy away.   Vy shoves her again, but Miranda is full of animal adrenaline and will not be pushed around.
 
The guards tear Vy away from Miranda, and carry her off the stage as she continually asserts that a dingo took her baby. 
ENTER The Wanda Rizzuto Fan Club:

The Wanda Rizzuto Fan Club:
Apollo, may we wank…  I mean… ‘speak’?

Apollo:
I guess.

The Wanda Rizzuto Fan Club:
That girl who just ran up and said that dingo
stuff is the worst human being to ever walk the
earth.   How unprofessional.  He’s
working right now.   By the way, Wanda
Rizzuto is a bytch.

Apollo:
Where did you people come from?

The Wanda Rizzuto Fan Club:
From the deep bowels of the earth,  Apollo.

Apollo:
Will you please return there?

The Wanda Rizzuto Fan Club:
Yes, Apollo.  We’ll go right now.

EXEUNT The Wanda Rizzuto Fan Club.

Apollo: 
Orlando, please step forth forward.

Orlando steps forward.
 
Apollo:
Orlando, are the charges against
you false?

Orlando:
What were they, again?  The charges
and all?

Apollo:
That you’ve engaged in unmitigated
phuckery for the past two years, and that
you displayed your bare ass in Gran
Canaria.

Orlando:
I guess they’re not false, then.  Damn.  Still, I implore you all to have some sympathy for delicious!   And by ‘delicious’, I mean… me, myself.

Apollo:
Miranda, please step forth, forward.

Miranda steps forward.  Smiling.  She pushes her
ass  out and places a hand on her hip.

Apollo:
Miranda, are the charges against
you false?

Miranda:
Yes.  Everee lazt won of them.
Phalse with a kapitull “Ph”.

Apollo:
Orlando, if you have anything you
wish to say to your accusers, please
let if flow forth, now, from your tongue.

Orlando:
(turns to The Whorely Trinitas,
The Delphi Forum, etc)
I’m having deep personal issues right now.
Please forgive me.  I’m sorry about
Elizabethtown.  That is all.

Apollo:
Miranda, if you have anything you
wish to say to your accusers, please
let it flow forth, now, from your forked
tongue.

Miranda:
I got a hole bunch of thingz tew say.
First of all, yerr juzt mad becuz yerr
knot livin’ the life.  Seckund, yerr juzt mad
becuz yerr knot bootiful lyke me.  Thurd,
yer mad becuz I get to shag Wheel Turnuh
once every six munths.   HA!
Forth, I’m gunna be a publisht awthuh in
a few munths.  Fifth, I’m a soupermodel.
Sixth… yerr juzt fat jealous heighters…. and
thatz as phar az I can kownt…

By the weigh, u all fourgot to menshun
yer biggist greevince aginst me:  That I
am kwote unkwote “blackmaylin” Whorelando
to “fake date” me!   Sorry, but I am knot
blackmayling Whorelando.  He’s with me
on hiz own ukchord.  No won sed he was
smart.  

Apollo:
I shall now sprinkle water that flows from
Mt. Olympus onto the heads of those who
are to be judged.

Miranda:  
Wait!  I have a speshul rekwest.

Apollo:  
Let us hear it.

Miranda:  
I have to be at The Grove in Loz Anjeluss for an hour.   
May I please onurr thiz one combittment?

Apollo:  I don’t see why not.  The court will be in
recess for an hour, anyway.
(turns  to Hermes)
Hermes, after I sprinkle the water on her head,
escort her to Los Angeles and bring her back.

Hermes:  Of course.

Apollo sprinkles the divine water onto the heads of Miranda and Orlando.

EXIT Apollo.

Hermes grabs the dingo’s arm, shakes his caduceus, and the two of them pixelate briefly before disappearing.

Enter ATHENA.

Athena: 
Guard, carry off the remaining defendant.

The guard escorts Orlando off the stage.   He casts his eyes balefully about the court as he is removed.

Athena:
The Jury may now depart from here and
begin their deliberations.

EXIT the Jury.

Athena:
All else assembled in the host shall sit steady for about an hour or so.  The jury will return with their verdict, and thus, this trial shall conclude.

Thus endeth Act II.