Treasure Yourself: The First Chapter

Mirandingo, reading from her book.

The publisher of Who Phucking Kerr’s book, the long-awaited Treasure Yourself:  A Guide for Clueless, Aspirant Whores Who Are Dumb Enough To Listen To a Phucking SuperDingo With Shit For Brains, has been kind enough to release the first chapter of the book.

They wanted to make sure that we would have access to dingo-sanctioned self-esteem months ahead (perhaps years?) of the publication of the book.

Here are a few helpful tips before beginning this chapter:

1. Get rid of any of the self-respect you may have acquired over the years.  If you’re not sure how to do this, go visit Just Jared and stay there for longer than a minute.   Or just ‘friend’ the author on facebutt.   
2. Order the Rosetta Stone program for Dingoese. 
3. Consider that Doutzen Kroes is really fat. 
4. Keep a Merriam-Webster’s dictionary handy.  The author is very smart and you’ll need it to follow along.

Without further adieu:

CHAPTUH WUN:

Eye cant begin to tell yoo how happee eye am that eye git the chance too help all of yoo awkword, unforchunit, and hoamly-lookin gurls ukwire sum selfuhsteam!

Yoo may look at mee and think:  “Butt shees so pritty and perrfickt!   Look at how bluddy lawng hur gorghiss legz ahr!  Look at how perrficktly shaypt hur ass iz!  Look at hur ahms!”  And yoo may also look at mee and think:  “She’s daiting Whorlanduh Blume;  he’s a moovy stahr!   Hee fell in luv with hur bawdy at a Viktoariuhz Seecrit show and chaizt hur for too yeers evin tho she awlreddy had a boyfrend becuz he fail in luv with hur and all the byutee kuntaind in hur bawdy!”

You may look at me and be thinken all of this stuff, and you may be wundurring why in Godz nayme that eye fill qwallified too rite a book aimed at helping yung gurls like yurselvz gain sum selfuhsteam?  You may be axeing yurselvz how sumwun who has thuh warld at her bony finguh tipz could have ever suffuhd from fillings of low self wurth.

Allow me to enliten yoo.

It all startid three yeer ago when Whorlando and I got intoo a big fite.  It wuz so uglee.   The deepist, darkist daze of meye life.  Eye’ll neva forgit the way his eyez looked… like bawlz of angur!   He broak up with me and eye got really depresd.   Yeah, I was this warld-famuss supahmodel, but I was really hert… I had neva  bin rejeckted befoar.  Not by a moovy stahr!   It wuz so dubilluhtaiting.  Eye ekspeeriencsed low selfuhsteam.

.But enuff abowt me.   Let’s tark abowt yoo sad sacks.

There’s so many reazuns y all yoo gurls may be sufferin from low selfuhsteam.   Maybe yoor phat?  Maybe yoor jellus?  Maybe yoor a hatur?  Maybee yoo doant hav a boyfrend?  Maybee yoo cum frum a broakin family?  Or maybee (just maybee) you just doant look like me?  Yeah, eye’m sure that’s what its all abowt.

 Well, I cahnt make yoo look like mee (eye’m a supahmodel, not a mirakul wurkur!), and I can’t teech you how to fiks yoor family (eye cant evin fiks meye own), but I can teech you how to stop being fat , how to stop being jellus,  how to stop being a hatur, and how to git a boyfrend.

Once yoo konker these few obstickles, yoo will be well on yur way to selfuhsteam.

Are yoo ready to becum a bettah persun?  

Yeah?  Are yoo ready?  Are yoo motivayted?

Ova the nexst few chaptuhs, I will introdoos you to meye famed and fabulled dieting ruhjeam, teech yoo how to stop being a jellus hatur whoar by introdoocing my stalkah frend, Mayphrayn to yoo (now thair’s a gurl woo only seas the sunny side of life!), and I will help yoo find yur innah-godiss by telling yoo which Kora products to purchase.   As far as finding a boyfrend, all yoo really have to do is act coy for a bit, and give itt up on thuh first dayte (but doant say eye told yoo that).

Yoo really awt to lissen to me!  Eye’m a smawrt gurl.   I have a dugree in newtrishun, a hot boyfrend, and eye am stunningly gorjiss.  If yoo want to unlock the seacrits of selfuhsteam, yoo’ll have to buy meye book.