Dearest Princess Caspian, Hi — and… what the phuck are you doing?
It’s been a few years, and mon coeur still belongs to you, BUT a few things:
I don’t like your latest photo shoots (especially the creepy, deranged Swan-themed one). I don’t like that you are in yet another movie with Katherine Heigel. I don’t like that in your last film (and I use that term loosely), you played a LATINO person: Are you a Latino person? ???? If yes, OK; fine. If No, I will have to love you a little bit less.
I don’t like your hair. I don’t like the fact that you haven’t called me. I do, however, like the fact that you will be gracing our television screens with your presence as a hot Samuel Adams in Sons of Liberty (though I wonder, will your hand shake when you rail against those GD British Bastuhds who are taxing the hell out your tea?).
Do please go back to looking like this: You look “super guapo” (I stole that quote from a slag on the Official Ben Barnes Facebook page, because I am the grand duchess of losers).
Do please tell stylists to stop making you look stupid in photo shoots: You don’t need swans or wet t-shirts: Trust an annoying slag, viz., me, when she tells you that this shit is wrecking you.