Dear Ben Barnes



If her eyes were open, she would see the despair in his; of this, I am sure.

Dearest Princess Caspian, Hi — and… what the phuck are you doing?

It’s been a few years, and mon coeur still belongs to you, BUT a few things:

I don’t like your latest photo shoots (especially the creepy, deranged Swan-themed one).    I don’t like that you are in yet another movie with Katherine Heigel.   I don’t like that in your last film (and I use that term loosely), you played a LATINO person:   Are you a Latino person? ????  If yes, OK; fine.   If No, I will have to love you a little bit less.

I don’t like your hair.  I don’t like the fact that you haven’t called me.    I do, however, like the fact that you will be gracing our television screens with your presence as a hot Samuel Adams in Sons of Liberty (though I wonder, will your hand shake when you rail against those GD British Bastuhds who are taxing the hell out your tea?).

Do please go back to looking like this:   You look “super guapo” (I stole that quote from a slag on the Official Ben Barnes Facebook page, because I am the grand duchess of losers).


Do please tell stylists to stop making you look stupid in photo shoots:  You don’t need swans or wet t-shirts:  Trust an annoying slag, viz., me,  when she tells you that this shit is wrecking you.


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Kelly Brook !



The last time I visited Kelly Brook she had just received an upsetting parking ticket.

She was always something of an enigma to me:  a slag who showed up on the Daily Mail often and for no reason (through no fault of her own, I’m sure).    I then learned that she had the perfect waist-to-hip ratio.  Cool!  People ought to be semi-famous for such things.

Fast Forward years later:  Kelly has had some personal tragedies, but is now the designer of a line of dresses for Britain’s “Simply Be” catalogue.  She has also just broken off her engagement with a handsome, steroidy bloke named David McIntosh, and could probably use a personal stylist.

I promise to keep you informed.

Source:   The Daily Mail

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It’s Been Confirmed: Kate Bonesworth’s Fiance is Creepy


For reasons known only to the Editor-in-Chief of INSTYLE UK (and possibly God!), Kate Bosworth is on the cover of the September issue of their magazine.   Apparently, she shares her wisdom on “love and men.”  If Kate is an expert on anything (and she isn’t), it’s love and men.   She’s been in love with men her whole life!   She’s never not been in love with a man, and the last time she was single, she was single for about twelve long minutes before James Rousseau swooped in and saved her from that gross situation.

Kate also spills this gem:  “I never even dated my husband-to-be. He said to me after just a few weeks, before we were even together, “I’m going to marry you.” He just knew.”    So, yes:   It is confirmed.  Michael Polish is creepy.  But so is Bonesworth, really, when you think about it.

Read more:

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